My Slutty Valentine: Beverly Hills, 90210 "Wildfire"

Highlights: Everyone goes back to school and wears ugly clothes; Dylan and Brandon date the same girl; the girls can't sing; Guy who shoots himself does not shoot himself...yet

Brandon must be dreaming.  His bruised face is gone and he’s at the beach club,not working, but sitting surrounded by lovely ladies.  Then he hears his sister calling his  name.  It is a dream; Brenda calls him pokey and tells him to get out of bed.  However, his face is still not bruised.  Miracle cures.  He had a good sleep.  She had a bad one because she dreamed that she was at school all naked.  Brandon knows that’s what she dreamed because that was his dream too. 

Kelly is trying on lots of different shoes, most of which are ugly.  Hideous Andrea is sharpening a hundred pencils because why should she care about what she wears because it will all be hideous. Steve fawns over himself in the mirror with all different shirts, none of which are belly shirts thankfully.  DumbDonna tries a bunch of different hairstyles. 

At West Bev, all the kids are badly dressed anyway with big bad hair and Classic cars.  The twins arrive and reminisce about Mondale and their first day of school the year before.  My how things have changed.  And Brenda is wearing a tie.  I repeat, Brenda is wearing a tie.  Teen girls of the 90s unite—wear ties!  As some of my friends did.  The power of television never ceases to amaze me.  DJDave is in his booth, making all kinds of fun announcements.  Ooh, oh!  Guy who shoots himself is back and he’s wearing a cowboy hat!  Yeehaw!  When is this kid gonna die already?

Brenda tries to convince the girls to do a presentation for Hello Day.  I have no idea what that is.

Guy who shoots himself goes into DJDave’s booth to chat about the summer.  He was in Oklahoma and DJDave did not score with the ladies.  DJDave tells him that his hat is big and Guy who shoots himself gives DJDave a country western CD.  DJDave doesn’t like Guy who shoots himself and doesn’t want to play country western.

Electric guitars are playing once again so Dylan must be coming.  And there he is.  And some blonde chick on a motorcycle pulls up next to him and he’s all checking her out and stuff.  He climbs out of his car without opening the door because he’s cool and he says high to the biker chick.  He says that she’s late.  She says he is too.  Her name is Emily Valentine and she’s a transfer who is not impressed with L. A.  Dylan tells her about wind and sand and she’s not impressed.  He suggests taking her out right now and she doesn’t want to ditch school so he’s going to take her out tonight.  Okay, hang on.  First of all—who does this?  This does not happen ever.  Ever.  Secondly, wasn’t he just telling Brenda at the cabin how the one girl in the world he wants doesn’t want him and he loves her?  Yeah, okay.  Then again, Brenda can’t expect him to not date others if she doesn’t want to date him.

Emily Valentine shows up at Brandon’s locker—ooh, Brandon got a haircut.  They have a meaningful discussion about lockers.  He walks her to the West Bev office so she can stash her guitar in there since it doesn’t fit in the locker.  Her dad is a reporter so he’s suddenly in love.  He asks her to come with him to a West Bev scrimmage.  Hideous Andrea starts giving him orders without even saying hi and he tells her to relax.  She gets mushy inside.  Then her heart drops as she meets Emily Valentine, knowing that her hideousness cannot win over Emily’s hot looks.  Awwwkkkwwwaaarrrrdd.

The three girls are in the bathroom, figuring out their Hello Day routine.  DumbDonna wants to do the Robert Palmer song Addicted to Love but change it to Addicted to Sex.  That from the virgin. They decide on Addicted to Clothes.  Who suggested it?  Emily Valentine who was in the stall behind them.  She invites herself into their group and they’re all excited.  Again, I must point out—this could never actually happen ever.  Maybe one of the three things that have happened but not all three.

Outside, Dylan reveals to Brandon that he has a date and wants to bring her to The Pit and wants to make sure it’s not weird since Dylan used to date Brenda on and off.  No, it wouldn’t be weird for that reason.  It will be weird for the same reason Hideous Andrea gets jealous when she sees Brandon with a girl.

Now it’s lunchtime.  No one has gone to class yet but still, it’s lunch time.  Emily learns about how rich Kelly and DumbDonna are and how Brenda can’t drive.  Then Emily plays the guitar and sings Mercedes Benz, the Joplin song.  Leave it to the writers to corrupt a classic. 

Then school is over and the girls gather at the Walsh house where Mrs. Cleaver gives them snacks.  The first day of school was pretty simple considering no one went to class.  Then again, since they had about 18 different classes in the first season, having none right now balances it out.  They come up with lyrics for Addicted to Clothes.  DumbDonna can’t rhyme.  Because she’s dumb.  Brandon comes into the kitchen and Emily is surprised to see him.  Then she finds out about the twinship.  Brandon puts an arm around Brenda but she squirms away.  He leaves seeing that there’s still no chance and Brenda invites Emily to a big barbeque.  I see where this is headed and I’m lovin it already.

Then Dylan calls and it’s for Brandon so Brenda gets all downtrodden.  Then Emily says that she met a guy named Dylan and Brenda’s all, Dylan McKay?  And Emily says yeah and the girls fall silent and get awkward again.  But no one explains anything so they let her feel all awkward.

Now it’s nighttime.  What the heck is Emily wearing?  She’s got this odd gray suit on and Dylan’s outfit is the exact outfit that James Dean wore on all the posters for Rebel Without a Cause.  Lazy wardrobe staff.  Nat gets introduced to Emily Valentine and they go to the juke box.  Brandon explains to Dylan that he has a date with Emily tomorrow.  Nat calls Emily a heartbreaker.  And that’s why her name is Valentine—IRONY.  Again. 

Kelly and Brenda are dishing about Dylan and Emily.  Brenda says that she’s fine with seeing other people. Kelly helpfully points out that Brenda isn’t seeing anyone.

Dylan is meanwhile mackin it with Emily Valentine in his car.  He then stops to tell her that he just broke up with someone who he’s not really broken up with but is.  That clears things up.  I’d like to point out that they both look like they’re in their 30s.  He says that he doesn’t want anything heavy and she macks it with him more.

Brandon bugs Brenda while she’s studying to say that Dylan showed up at The Pit with Emily Valentine.  She says she’s not a jealous person.  Brandon says that if she can handle it, so can he.  Aw, so he IS jealous of Emily for dating Dylan.  Brenda immediately calls Kelly to say that Emily made the first move.  I don’t know what that means.

At West Bev, DJDave is having a breakdown.  He needs to go to the bathroom—which he calls “the head” and no teenager would ever say that—so he pulls in Guy who shoots himself to push a button. 

Brenda is complaining to Hideous Andrea about how Dylan is dating and she feels miserable.  She almost called Hideous Andrea at the Rap Line!  Hideous Andrea gives some advice—she looks 40—and then gets distracted when Brenda says that Brandon’s going out with Emily tonight. 

Emily then finds Steve in the hall who calls her Funny Valentine which is so original really.  He walks her to the tech room right across the hall and he’s all gaga over her.  Kelly is jealous and all four gals call her a slut. 

Meanwhile, Guy who shoots himself is playing country music.  DJDave yells at Guy who shoots himself for playing bad music.  Guy who shoots himself tells DJDave that he thinks he’s so cool because he hangs out with Kelly Taylor. 

Lunchtime!  Emily shows up and tells the girls that she has to go to the gynecologist so she needs to miss practice for Hello Day.  Brenda is shocked that Emily’s mom is taking her.  Then Brenda sprints across the quad when she sees Dylan to tell him that Brandon’s going out with her.  Dylan suggests that Brenda knit Emily a scarlet letter because that’s a very popular literary reference that all teenagers use.  He complains that he can’t win, no matter what he does and he says that she can’t have it both ways since she doesn’t want to be a part of his sex life.  What teenager has a sex life?   Sure they have sex but they don’t call it a sex life. 

DJDave then dedicates the last song of the day to a beautiful girl.  Kelly says that she can’t take another year of it.  But the song isn’t for her—it’s Leader of the Pack for the pretty girl who rides a mean bike.   Ha!  Brenda explains that Emily Valentine rides a motorcycle.  She shows up and Kelly says that she inherited the DJDave fan club.  Then Brenda tells her to have a good time at the gynecologist and leaves.  Kelly finally tells Emily that Brenda was Dylan’s girlfriend for almost a year.  Really?  A year?  I guess in 90210 time, sure.

Guy who shoots himself and DJDave make up in the booth. Some kids actually liked the country music.  Guy who shoots himself asks DJDave to dinner but DJDave has to have dinner with his dad and the Taylor women.  Guy who shoots himself says that he brought something explosive back from Oklahoma that DJDave needs to see.

At the Walsh house, Brenda is giving Brandon a hard time about going out with Emily Valentine.  To discourage him from going, she tells him that Emily is on the pill.  He says that that’s Emily’s business.  Really, he’s happy about it because then he can have sex with her then, and you know what they say about when you sleep with someone.  When you sleep with a girl, you’re sleeping with everyone she’s slept with.  Therefore—Brandon’s gonna sleep with Dylan.  Savvy, that one is.  He tells Brenda to stop trying to cause trouble.

Emily tells Brandon about how much she’s moved and how she’s not used to it.  He’s wearing that God-awful acid-washed denim jacket.  She says she broke the 11^th Commandment—Thou shalt not go out with Brenda Walsh’s ex boyfriend.  Hey, that was kinda funny.  Nice one, writers.  Not drunk this week.  She says that Brenda should have told Emily if she had a problem with it.  Brandon takes Emily up to the hills—which is exactly where Dylan took her on their date.  Only Wicked Game wasn’t playing with Dylan.  It’s playing now.  Sexy, Brandon, sexy.  Then they mack it.  BTW—they both look like they’re in their 30s.  Emily stops the make out to tell him that she made out with Dylan in the same spot.  He says he’s losing points in originality.  She says that he can make up for it in other areas.  So they mack it more.

The next day at West Bev, Brandon hunts down Dylan to say that he digs Emily and wants to know how serious Dylan is with her.  Dylan reminds him about the last time Brandon asked about a girl and how Dylan warned that if he did it again, he could pummel Brandon.  Brandon asks if Dylan slept with her.  He says no.  Then Brandon gives Dylan a free shot and Dylan says not worth it.  That’s worse than being punched in the gut.

Meanwhile, Guy who shoots himself is showing DJDave firecrackers that DJDave is not impressed with.  Then, and this is what I’ve been waiting for, Guy who shoots himself shows DJDave a huge gun that his grandfather gave him.  Nice.  Now shoot yourself.  DJDave gets nervous when the gun is loaded and says he’s not amused.  Guy who shoots himself insists that it’s fun but DJDave leaves. 

BigJim arrives at the Walsh house during the barbeque with some food.  Emily Valentine has shown up and Kelly points out that all her boyfriends are here.  Brenda and Emily bicker.  Dylan admonishes Brenda but Brenda says it’s between her and Emily.  Then Emily says that it’s like Knots Landing.  Yes, another popular teenage reference.  She tells Brenda to grow up because she should know what it’s like to be the new kid in school.  All she wants to do is make friends, and she does that by making out with lots of people.  Emily leaves and all the guys are pissed off.  Way to kill a party, Brenda.  Again, all your fault.

Mrs. Cleaver yells at Brenda after the barbeque.  Brenda explains that Emily is going out with Brandon and Dylan.  Mrs. Cleaver calls her friendly.  Brenda is upset that Dylan is dating Emily because she doesn’t love him while Brenda misses him so much.  Mrs. Cleaver suggests that Brenda should be with Dylan and that Big Jim would want her to be happy. 

Brenda comes into Brandon’s room and asks him not to hate her.  He says that he doesn’t.  She says good night.  He sighs.  A missed opportunity to take advantage.  Brandon is losing his game.

At West Bev, DJDave is setting up for Hello Day.  Kelly, DumbDonna, and Brenda are in tight black dresses and red lipstick and Emily isn’t showing up.  Kelly then tells Brenda that she’s awful and needs to apologize and beg Emily to do the show.  She finds Emily at the lockers and Emily is all mean.  Brenda apologizes.  Emily says that she liked Brenda and Brenda turned that on her.  Emily says she doesn’t sleep around and she’s a virgin and she’s on the pill as preparation for sex.  Brenda tells her to hang out with Kelly and DumbDonna and Emily doesn’t want to be the fourth musketeer. 

That convinced Emily who shows up on stage to sing with Kelly, DumbDonna, and Brenda as backup singers.  They sing Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.  The backup track is obviously lip synched with other voices.  Then Emily’s singing is lip synched but I think it’s still her voice.  The crowd loves it.  Brandon says that Emily is talented and Hideous Andrea kind of agrees.  They hug and Hideous Andrea prays that she will see Brandon naked soon.  Guy who shoots himself finds DJDave and says the show is great.  He apologizes for the rifle.  DJDave says that Guy who shoots himself changed this summer.  DJDave says he changed too and Guy who shoots himself isn’t a geek.  DJDave says he’ll call him next week and tells him to cool it with the guns.  Foreshadowing!  I can’t wait.

Emily is still horribly singing.  Dylan is grinning in the audience but who is he grinning at?  Hmmm.  Afterwards, the four girls are best friends again and are gleaming about the show.  Kelly and DumbDonna leave.  Dylan shows up while Brenda and Emily are in the hallway alone.  Emily says that Dylan is a hell of a guy and not to throw away whatever they’ve got.  Then Brenda walks up to Dylan as Emily watches and smiles. 

That night, Wicked Game is playing again as Dylan and Brenda sit on the bluff where everyone goes to make out.  She wants to start over but he doesn’t know where from.  She says that she got scared and needed time to think but now she knows that she missed him and needed him and they have more than just physical.  He says that he’s not there for just physical but he loves her.  She loves him too.  They mack it.  He says that nothing happened with him and Emily and she says it’s none of her business.  She apologizes for everything she put him through and he says it was worth it now that she’s here.  They mack it.  She says that she missed this and he did too. And, say it with me, they mack it.  Aww, together again.

If Brandon Dies, It's Brenda's Fault: Beverly Hills, 90210 "Camping Trip"

Highlights: Steve loves beer and acts like a dad; Brandon still has a mancrush on Dylan; Dylan still  has a crush on Brenda; Brenda gets blamed for everything; Andrea?  Still hideous

Here’s the thing.  Some of this may not make sense because I’m recappin from DVD and some of the DVDs are not cooperating with my DVD player.  So I may have missed some stuff.  I’m pretty sure that Dylan should not be camping with cracked ribs but that may be out of sequence.  Then again, with this show, that may be exactly what they have going on.  Or they just forgot that Dylan cracked his ribs.  Or maybe Dylan’s ribs miraculously healed.  Wasn’t he supposed to be headed for Hawaii to see his mom?  Anyway, let’s get on with it.

The Walsh twins are packing, Brenda reprimanding Brandon for having too much stuff.  She’s packing his toothbrush.  Why can’t he do that on his own?  Oh, because he’s too busy finding his lucky hat.  Now he has a lucky hat?  He’s never had one before.  It’s a Rat Pack fedora and I love those hats and I love it on him because it covers up the hair.  Brenda likens it to a beaver. 

Kelly comes into Brandon’s bedroom to ask him to talk to Steve.  Steve is downstairs unpacking DumbDonna’s things because she has too much stuff.  Brandon goes downstairs while Kelly and Brenda talk bad about Steve.  Then Kelly tells Brenda that because CokedUpJackie and Dr. Silver are now dating, the gang has to take DJDave along with them.  Then Brenda says that Dylan’s not coming because his mom is back from Hawaii. 

Downstairs, Steve is scolding DumbDonna—no one takes shoulder pads on a camping trip!  He’s almost right.  No one takes shoulder pads ANYWHERE.  Then again, this was the mid-90s; I guess people were still sportin shoulder pads.  Not that Steve is the authority on fashion with those belly shirts of his.  Brandon breaks up their fight by smothering DumbDonna with a hug and a big wet kiss on her cheek.  She’s too dumb to realize how gross that it.

Then Dylan shows up out of nowhere with a sleeping bag.  Is he coming?!?!?  No, just dropping off a sleeping bag.  He walks away and Brandon chases him down to try to convince him to come along because who else is Brandon gonna get all Brokeback Mountain on if Dylan isn’t there?  Dylan explains that he can’t go because his mom read his stars and planets and they aren’t aligned.  He’s sick of the cosmic mumbo jumbo and Brandon says some Spanish words and squeezes Dylan’s shoulder.  That’s convincing enough for Dylan to change his mind.  Brandon skips over to Steve and gleefully tells him that Dylan’s coming along.  Steve acts 49 and says that he now has to rearrange bags.

Upstairs, Mrs. Cleaver is giving Brenda a list of rules for camping including to make sure the boys stay on top of her.  Ha.  While hiking.  Double ha.  That’s comedy.  And sexist comedy at that.  Then Brenda says Dylan’s not coming and Brandon comes in to say that he is and they all want Dylan to be naked. 

Steve is outside still complaining.  Brenda is taking too long and now they’ll hit traffic.  Of course it’s all Brenda’s fault.  Maybe if Brandon had packed his own toothbrush instead of looking for his stupid hat, Brenda wouldn’t still be upstairs packing her own crap.  Since when did Steve become the ornery dad?  Dylan goes to get her.

Awwww.  Now I just got all gushy-giggly.  Dylan in his white tee and blue jeans sidles up into the doorway and smiles a little while watching Brenda zip up her bag.  And I’m all mush right now.  Awwww.  He offers to help her smoosh her bag closed. He says that he shouldn’t be going and she says that he has to go because she just repacked the whole bag for him.  Oh yeah—that’s the other reason she’s holding everyone up. She’s packing more of Brandon’s clothes for Dylan to wear so he’s not naked.  Her fault of course.  He asks if she’ll feel weird with him there and she says that the trip is completely platonic. He says that she and her brother are like twins or something.  Comedy.  As they leave the room, we see that Brandon’s lucky hat has been left on the floor—no room in the bag for it.  Dun dun DUN.

Once everyone is outside, Brandon gives them a pep talk about a righteous journey they’re going to take.  Why is Hideous Andrea there?  Where did she come from?  They all gather round in a huddle and cheer.  Then DJDave sings 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall as they pull away in their huge ugly van.  Kelly makes DJDave stop singing and Steve sings instead Yosemite Here We Come which everyone joins in for.  What the heck song is that and why does everyone know the words?  I’m annoyed already and they’re just showing the opening credits now.

THUNDER!  LIGHTNING!  POURING RAIN!  This is what happens when Brandon’s hat gets left behind.  Then the sound editors—love the sound editors—play a synthesized version of the first few notes of that dueling banjos song a la Deliverance.  The gagn stands under an awning, disheveled and unhappy and bickering.  Now Kelly blames Steve for not believing the weather report.  Steve blames Brandon for having to stop and change tires for some other people on the way that now they’re stuck because the highway patrol closed the road.  Brandon gives another annoying pep talk and reminds them that they’re on vacation. 

Brenda and Dylan tell the gang that there’s a cabin left where they’ve stopped.  The cabin has a leaky roof and there are pots everywhere collecting water.  DJDave is video taping everything.  Then he complains that there aren’t enough beds.  Brenda and Dylan gaze at each other longingly.  So much for platonic camping.  The floor is wet, there’s no hot water, the toilet seat has splinters, and omigod omigod omigod yells Hideous Andrea as she leaps on top of the toilet—there are spiders.  Wow—here, Andrea actually does look pretty hideous.  Rain and big glasses and frizzy hair and a bright red rain jacket.  Yup, that’s not attractive.  Brenda kills the spider and says she feels the same about rodents.  Then omigod says Brenda—she found an empty mousetrap with nibbled cheese.

Brandon continues to be all upbeat and happy and gung ho.  He says he’s going to get dry firewood.  Then he asks Brenda where his boots are—she says by her bed.  At home.  Hahahhahahahaaaaa!  Then he reams her out for leaving his perfectly broken in boots by her bed at home.  Because he doesn’t have two hands and can’t pack them himself.  Dylan asks Steve if they’re having fun yet.  Oh, more comedy.  Heehee.

A little bit later, the girls unpack the food which is all wet. DJDave complains that no one brought a CD player.  What’s wrong with these guys?  If you want to bring something on the trip, then pack it yourself.  Jeez.  DumbDonna is pleased that she brought her walkman and Steve calls her stupid. 

Then Steve plans on going for a beer run and asks Dylan to come with.  Brenda jumps all over Steve for tempting Dylan to drink.  Dylan says, excuse me but I can answer for myself, in a very raspy cold voice and then they share a look of sorrow and passion like no other.  Flute music plays as Dylan says, not this time man.  Oh, I love it when he makes good choices.  DJDave decides to go and Kelly calls them Mutt And Jeff which is a reference no teenager would ever know ever. 

DumbDonna wants to go too and everyone is surprised.  She says there’s something she needs to get and none of the guys understand so she says, A feminine product okay?, and they all look away ashamed and uncomfortable. 

As they leave, Brandon says that they should try to get him hiking boots too.  Brenda and Brandon bicker some more about the stupid boots and the packing.  Then Brenda asks how she was supposed to fit all the extra stuff in there for Dylan.  Dylan calls himself a cosmic jinx and then slams a door but I have no idea where that door leads and I’m not sure if he knows either.

Oh, it goes outside.  He’s running away and Brenda chases him out.  Now it’s not raining.  When did that happen?  Anyway, Brenda says that they all need to mellow out and Dylan shouldn’t try to be the death of the party.  At the soda machine, they meet a woman who is on her honeymoon there.  The husband comes out with her coat and they get all mushy.  This is so horribly unentertaining and stupid.

Steve leaves the convenience store in a huff since he couldn’t get beer. At least DumbDonna got her tampons.  He sees some old people and asks them to buy beer. 

At the cabin, Brenda and Kelly are playing Go Fish.  Hideous Andrea is instructing Brandon about building a fire.  The two of them bicker about Brandon’s fire building ability and I just realized that I own the same pair of glasses that Hideous Andrea is wearing.  I don’t wear them anymore but I used to.  That makes me feel real good.  Dylan suggests that the firestarter go get dry wood from the newlyweds next door.  Brandon makes an awkward lunge movement towards Dylan and then tells Hideous Andrea to come with him to get wood.  Brenda says they can’t barge in on newlyweds and Brandon complains about hypothermia.

Brandon and Hideous Andrea show up at the newlywed cabin and ask for the firewood.  The husband doesn’t want them to come in but the wife invites them in for a toast and hot chocolate.  Their cabin is warm and not leaky.  The husband is annoyed.

At the store, the old couple runs out and gets into their car.  DJDave sees them but Steve doesn’t believe it until the store closes and they run away and it’s too late for beer.

The husband and wife tell Brandon and Hideous Andrea about how they met and how they’re sure their marriage will last.  They snuggle on the couch and the husband wants to make porn.  Brandon pulls Hideous Andrea towards the door because Andrea wanted to watch because she’s never seen a penis before.

In the gang’s cabin, they have a fire started.  Steve can’t wait until he’s 21 because he likes beer.  Brenda says she’s not in a rush to grow up.  Then they all complain about being too young to do anything—clubs, bars, beer.  Of course, Hideous Andrea brings up voting like Brian did in The Breakfast Club but then Kelly says that parents don’t vote anyway.  Well, parents who are all coked up probably don’t.  Brandon says his parents vote and then they tell him that his parents are different—Jim is important and Cindy is from the 50s.

Steve suggests that the Walsh parents know the meaning of life and Dylan calls him cosmic Steve.  I think the writers have a quota to fill—how many times can they use cosmic in one episode.  Steve has no idea what the meaning of life is. Kelly says that the meaning of life is love.  Hideous Andrea agrees.  So it must be true because she wears glasses.  But Hideous Andrea talking about love is a farce because who could love her because she’s so hideous.  Dylan says that love doesn’t buy you dinner and it confuses people so you have to fight for food.  Brenda is upset by Dylan’s outlook on love and explains that finding someone you love would be a lucky thing in life. 

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door.  It’s Alison—the wife.  She’s crying into her cup of cocoa.  She asks if there’s room for one more at their cabin because her husband—Neil—is an idiot.  Proving the girls’ point that love is the answer to all.

Alison wants to get divorced because Neil is a fool.  She says that the bastard got her pregnant but the bastard doesn’t know.  She found out a week ago and was going to tell him tonight but he just said that he doesn’t want kids.  Neil arrives at the cabin and Brandon for who knows what reason does a very bad Ricky Ricardo impression.  Shut up, Brandon.  Alison runs to the bathroom.  Neil explains that Alison blew up on him for no reason. Steve tells him not to beg for forgiveness and all the guys agree.  DJDave is videotaping it all. 

Neil and Alison talk it out in front of the gang while Brenda and Dylan keep sharing glances of love and desperation.  Gag me.  Neil asks her if it’s that time of the month and Alison runs back to the bathroom.  Hideous Andrea tells him to give Alison some time and he complains that he’s getting marriage advice from teenagers.  Kelly points out the ageism again and then they all say that they’ve been through divorces and trial separations.  Neil doesn’t want a divorce. 

Kelly, Steve, and Dylan tell everyone about their parents being divorced and how it caused mental anguish on them as children.  DJDave then says that his dad became a jerk and he’s not mental over it.  Neil then says that he has no kids and doesn’t plan on having any.  Alison who came out of the bathroom already hears him and yells at him again.  Neil loves his nieces and nephews.  Alison calls him a bad father to be.  Then Neil realizes that she’s pregnant and THUNDER!  Heehee. Sound editors.  Neil though that she couldn’t get pregnant.  Dylan shouts and leaves for no apparent reason.  They call him antisocial and Brenda follows him because that’s what she always does.

Brenda finds Dylan in the honeymoon cabin.  Dylan complains about marriage and love and says that Brenda would never understand anything ever.  He says that his mom is a looney tune and his dad is in jail.  Brenda says she can’t imagine how it feels, proving Dylan’s point.  She tells him to look on the bright side of life.  First thing she says: Brandon loves you.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Yes, he certainly does.  She says that every girl would love to go out with him.  Dylan answers, Every girl…but one.  She wants him to accept that she cares about him but he’s having none of it.  The newlyweds show up all happy and now that they have a fetus, they may as well have a baby.  Neil and Dylan then get into a fight about babies asking to be born and giving children away and Dylan was a mistake and tells Alison to have an abortion.  Then he storms out.  He must really love slamming doors.

The gang is getting ready for bed when Brenda arrives.  Brandon immediately asks where Dylan is because he needs a sleeping buddy.  Dylan is walking around in the woods, hugging himself and shivering.  Uh-oh.  Those electric guitars are playing again.  Something’s up.  And there it is, folks!  Dylan’s got a mini bottle of schnapps or something of the alcoholic persuasion and he downs it in a minute.  Possibly to dull the pain of living his whole life thinking that he was a mistake but also it may warm him up a little. He hugs the empty bottle to his lips and then tucks it in his pocket for safe keeping.

In the morning, Brandon goes down to the van to wake Dylan up but Dylan’s not there.  Brandon hikes around to a rock and finds Dylan leaning there.  Dylan hands Brandon two empty bottles and Brandon says, Drink drink.  Idiot.  Dylan says that he puked so it’s okay.  Brandon says that he was clean for so long and Dylan calls himself a failure.  Brandon thinks that chirping birds and the sun will make it all better.  Dylan says he feels okay.  Brandon congratulates him on battling his demons and winning and tells Dylan to stop beating himself up.  Wow—Brandon should be a therapist.  Oh!  AND the reverse mollet is back!!  I’m kinda happy Brenda left the stupid hat at home.

Brandon then talks to Dylan about how cosmic looney tune mom let Dylan down and how Dylan should talk about it.  Dylan says that it’s an old story and shouldn’t have let his guard down.  Feelings.  Nothing more than feelings.  Blah blah blah.  Parents. Responsibility.  Expectation.  Brandon then says, You’re standing next to me and we should take advantage of the situation.  Bow chicka bow wow.  He wants to hike through the righteously beautiful countryside.  And then they’re gonna do it in the middle of the woods.  Sigh, young love.

Inside the cabin, DJDave is recording everyone waking up. They all yell at DJDave.  Steve is blowing his nose loudly.  They don’t have any food and they’re all grumpy. Then Hideous Andrea opens the door and the sun makes it all better.  She asks where Brandon is because she thinks she still has a shot with him.

Meanwhile, Brandon and Dylan are walking towards the water on some big rocks.  Seriously, this looks like the beginning of a porno.  Dylan squeezes Brandon’s shoulder.  They walk along a log and some rocks and Brandon slips and hurts his ankle.  Dylan gets concerns and wants to lick Brandon’s wounds but Brandon says that he’s okay and only wishes he had his hiking boots.  Brenda’s fault.

They then climb up a huge hill and more rocks and take in the view.  Very pretty.  This takes forever.  For. Ev. Er.  They finally make it up to the top and Brandon says that the future is now and they stand shoulder to shoulder and peer over the edge.  Then, THEN, and this is the most AWESOME thing in the world, the rock that Brandon’s standing on gives way and he falls and slides down the edge of the cliff.  Dylan yells BRANDON and dives for him.   Oh jeez this just keeps getting better.  Brandon’s face is now all black and dusty but it’s the kind of black that looks like he’s been fixing a car, not sliding down a mountain.  And he has a cut on the top of his forehead which could not possibly be there unless he summer saulted down. 

Dylan is belly-down on a rock high above, screaming for Brandon to answer him.  He also says, where you at?  Nice.  He barely gets near the edge himself.  Brandon tells him to get away and then loses a shoe.  Dylan tells Brandon to at least try to grab his hand and not to look down.  Then Dylan points to his own eyes and tells Brandon to look there and stretch dammit.  Is it wrong that I’m rooting for Brandon to fall?  He doesn’t though.  Dylan pulls him up with one arm.  Again, this is taking way too long.  Finally, they both crawl up to solid ground and sit on a boulder that’s again right on the edge of the cliff.  Maybe the whole thing will go down.  Brandon thanks Dylan and puts his arm around him.  Dylan calls him filthy; well, incest is a filthy thing.  They hug it out.

The gang is gathered outside, worried about Brandon and Dylan.  Brenda and Hideous Andrea checked with the main office and no calls have come in.  They did find out that there were rock slides in the area because of the rain but DumbDonna insists that they’re fine.  Oh, yeah, it was pouring torrentially the day and night before yet the ground was completely dry when the boys went hiking.  And the picnic table that the gang is sitting on now that’s not under any shelter is completely dry.  This is the dumbest show ever. 

As DJDave complains of malnutrition, Dylan and Brandon arrive in the van and Steve is pleased that the van isn’t scratched.  Umm, why did they take the van in the first place?  Couldn’t they walk if they were hiking?  Anyway, they ask Brandon if he was in an accident and he says they were hanging out.  Brenda says that he lost a shoe.  Brandon says he has a foot and Dylan points out two feet and they both say two arms and a head.  Because this is somehow funny.  Then Brandon suggests that they all get out of there. 

Brenda and Dylan make up and agree to forget about last night.  Brenda says that she knew Dylan would be okay because Brandon was with him.  He say, yeah, but we all know how ironic that is since Dylan saved Brandon from falling off the cliff.

Then Dylan finds the newlyweds to remind them about that abortion she should get.  Oh, actually, he apologizes.  They tell him not to apologize and thank him for giving them a lot to think about.  So thank you, Dylan, for suggesting I abort my fetus.

Steve is still packing up and DJDave is still complaining about being hungry.  Hideous Andrea finds Brandon leaning under a tree.  She asks if he’s okay and he hugs her and picks her up.  Hideous Andrea once again thinks she’s getting closer to seeing his penis.  Then the gang gathers in a huddle and cheers one more time for journeys and road trips.

For The Love Of Dylan: Beverly Hills, 90201: "Summer Storm"

Highlights: Dylan cracks a rib and weeps and broods; DJDave and DumbDonna are bad actors; Brenda gets in trouble for kissing boys; Kelly turns boys gay, Steve being one of those boys; oh, and Andrea is hideous

Going back in time a little here to recap the skipped episode….and oh, how happy I am to do so. We begin with the very important Big Jim searching for his very important blue shirt.  Brenda says she wore it to the beach the other day and Brandon says that there’s nothing like a girl in a man’s shirt.  Mmm, mmm, mmm.  Incest, I’ve missed you.

Lucky for Brandon, a news report comes on the tv about Dylan’s dad so no one notices him hitting on his sister. Mr. McKay has been indicted for income tax evasion and Big Jim rants about how Mr. McKay is guilty and how he’s happy Brenda isn’t with Dylan.  Then Brenda says that Mr. McKay is innocent until proven guilty.

The phone over at Dylan’s house rings and he lets the machine get it and I kinda wish I didn’t hear his outgoing message that says “beeparooney.” I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear it so I can focus on the brooding Dylan lying on his side, head propped up by hand, sigh.  Brenda leaves a message telling him to pick up and he doesn’t.  He stares at the phone and broods.

At the beach club, there are lots of waves and some small craft advisories.  Brandon rushes around with a tray of drinks until he sees his buddy, Dylan.  Brandon wants to hang later and Dylan says not to worry about him or his father.  Surfs up!  Or is it surf’s up?  I dunno.

CokedUp Jackie and Kelly are fighting over how much suntan lotion they need to use.  They check out cute boys who are playing volleyball.  Most of them are too old for Kelly and too young for CokedUp Jackie.  Kelly swoons over Kyle Conner, a built guy who CokedUp Jackie finds attractive too.

Dylan, meanwhile, is talking to a long-haired surfer dude who says the word “looney.”  I see a theme developing.

Hideous Andrea meets up with Brenda in the West Beverly hallways and asks about Dylan.  Brenda says that if Dylan wants to talk to her, he can call her.  She storms away, leaving Andrea looking all hideous and alone.  Come on, Brenda, give the gal a break.  She doesn’t understand these things.

In acting class, the instructor talks about Shakespeare and mispronounces Andrea’s name a few times.  Then Dumb Donna gets an answer right!  The instructor makes Donna into Juliet and DJ David Gung Ho Silver into Romeo.  This should be fun.

Meanwhile, at the beach, Kelly stares at Kyle.  He comes over when his ball rolls by her.  She won’t give it back until he promises her private lessons.  Steve is all grumpy and tan.

Mrs. Cleaver is scrubbing a pan at home and tells Brenda and Hideous Andrea that she was in a Shakespearean play once.  Andrea laughs as Mrs. Cleaver does her Lady Macbeth impression but Brenda doesn’t laugh because she’s not a geek like Andrea is.  I’m a geek and I don’t find it funny.  The phone rings and Brenda is all upset and Brandon’s not there to answer the phone.  She hangs up and reveals that Dylan got hurt surfing and is in the hospital.  All the women rush out.

Only Brenda walks into the emergency room; I have no idea where the other two went.  Brenda wakes up Dylan, who is lying in the hospital bed in the ER bandaged up but not looking hurt at all.  She explains that the paramedics called their house when they found Brandon’s contact info in Dylan’s car.  Now Brenda is jealous and thinks that he and Brandon have a thing going on.  Not really.  But that would be cool.  Dylan smiles and says it was awesome but she says he’s lucky to be alive.  He calls her an angel and she’s upset that he didn’t answer the phone.  His dad’s lawyers were there earlier to give the hospital permission to treat him and he says he needs her and he doesn’t want her to leave.  She leaves though.  He calls out, Brenda!  But she’s gone.  So he must go back to sighing and brooding one more time.  Only this time, he has his shirt off! 

In the hallway, Mrs. Cleaver explains that Dylan has a concussion and cracked ribs and she’s going to take him home with them. Brenda snaps that they broke up.  Mrs. Cleaver explains that since Dylan is Brandon’s friend, Brenda’s feelings don’t count.  They’re going to take Dylan home.  Perhaps adopt him and maybe even kick Brenda out. 

Mrs. Cleaver and Brenda continue their bickering at home when Brenda refuses to play nurse to Dylan.  Mrs. Cleaver is appalled that Brenda doesn’t want to help and Brenda exclaims, First you tell me not to sleep with him and then you tuck him in the next bedroom.  Okay, she almost has a point but there’s a wider gap between sleeping with someone and helping him because he has a concussion than what Brenda thinks.  Brenda leaves the house in a huff.

Upstairs, Dylan apologizes to Brandon for taking over his room.  Brandon doesn’t mind.  Of course not.  It’s dark.  It’s romantic.  Bow chicka bow bow.  Dylan explains that he made a stupid mistake surfing and that’s how it all happened.  Mrs. Cleaver brings dinner upstairs.  Dylan asks where Brenda is and Mrs. Cleaver said she left.  They all talk about Brenda behind her back and laugh evilly.  Dylan says it’s nice to have a family take care of him and thanks her.   Dylan then tells Brandon that his dad is not cool.

Speaking of.  Big Jim and Mrs. Cleaver bicker on the phone about Dylan staying over.  He tells Mrs. Cleaver to lock his door.  He wants to protect his daughter and wants Dylan to go to Hawaii to be with his own mom.

Brandon finds Brenda in her bed and tells her that she should talk to Dylan.  He says that Dylan is right and Brenda is stubborn.

So Brenda goes into the other room to yell at Dylan for calling her stubborn.  She says she needs time away and he says that she’s the only person who can help him.  She says no and he tells her that he doesn’t want to beg.  Suddenly, she’s on the bed and they’re mackin it.  That’s awesome.  The two people Brandon is in love with are making out on Brandon’s bed.  Heeheee!  She pulls away and says she can’t.  Can’t what?  Do this!  And she storms out.  He rubs his ribs and says ow but I don’t think that’s the only thing hurting.

Then, and this is so awesome, there’s a montage of intercuts between the two of them in their own beds, tossing and turning in the dark.  There’s some weird 80s song playing with the lyrics “I don’t get much sleep” and they continue tossing and turning.  THIS is what drama is!  THIS is what 90210 is all about dammit! Then, and this is even more awesome, they both coincidentally get up at the same time to go to the bathroom.  They open the doors and then HELLO! They see each other and act all surprised about it. 

Unfortunately, with the huge bandage around his midsection, Dylan looks like a 12 year old boy.  They insist that the other go first and bicker a little.  I don’t think I’d be able to pee knowing that someone was waiting for me to finish.  They say good night to each other and Dylan undresses her with his eyes.  She closes the door and collapses against it all horny.

The next day, Kyle is teaching Kelly how to play volleyball.  Steve looks on in annoyance and Brandon says something about Kelly getting stuff she wants and Kyle having a girlfriend.  Kelly hits the ball and it hurts her so Kyle massages it.  Then  he asks if she wants to get together for a date.  Wait, I thought Kyle was gay.  No one said it, but isn’t it obvious?  Kelly skips away with glee and bumps into Steve who says that Kyle has a girlfriend.  She doesn’t believe him.  Neither do I because I’m pretty sure that if Kyle were in a relationship, it would be with a boy.

Brenda finishes giving her Shakespearean soliloquy at West Bev and the class erupts in applause. It actually wasn’t very good but this is high school and very fake anyway so let’s move on.  The instructor says that DJDavid and Dumb Donna will do their scene the next day.  They shift uncomfortably.

CokedUp Jackie is planning dinner for her and Kelly at the club.  Kelly explains that she’s going out with Kyle.  CokedUp Jackie needs practice of being sober and sexy all at once.  She tells Kelly to be the social butterfly. 

Also at the beach club, Dumb Donna and DJDave are practicing.  Dumb Donna tells him that he sucks at acting.  She quits and storms away.  He says that parting is such sweet sorrow.  He does suck at it.

Brenda arrives home and only Dylan and Oprah are there.  She gets him a soda and a sandwich and an apple.  She’s wearing some of the biggest pants I’ve ever seen.  He also wants a blanket.  Then asks for a book.  Then he asks for one more thing—“you”—awwww, and for a second, when he says “you” I think he means me and I get all mushy and gushy.  And then I remember that this is a television show and he’s talking to Brenda.  Sigh.  She climbs on top of his broken ribs and she says it’s been hard to stay away.  Then they mack it. 

Perfect.  Timing.  Big Jim comes home and yells important things.  Brenda jumps off of Dylan, wacking him in the ribs, and they both try to explain.  Big Jim yells that Dylan is taking advantage of his hospitality by taking advantage of his daughter.  Then he storms away and Brenda says that it’s not like that at all.  Too late.  Big Jim is too important to listen.

Later on, Big Jim and Mrs. Cleaver bicker about Brenda and Dylan.  Just kissing!  Overreacting!  We were older!  Only a few more days and then he leaves!  Dylan and Brenda overhear the fighting and Brenda apologizes.  He says that it’s not her fault.  But it is her fault.  Because everything is her fault.

Kelly is on her date with Kyle at the beach at night.  He says that she’s pretty.  She asks if he has a girlfriend and he says they broke up because it was too serious.  Then she runs into the water naked and Kyle gets mad about it.  He tells her she’s going to freeze.  Then she kisses him.  His face is full of pain and disgust.  He says he’s not into this and she’s coming on too strong.  She says that Steve was right and he’s playing mind games and she feels like a fool.  He apologizes and she wants to go home.

The next morning, Dylan creeps into Brenda’s room and leaves a note by her phone.  He covers her with a blanket, stares at her a while, kisses his hand and touches her cheek, and leaves.  When the sun comes out, Brenda awakes to find the note. 

Brenda comes downstairs and explains to the Walsh parents that Dylan left.  She calls Big Jim a jerk and storms out to find Dylan. 

Oh.  My.  God.  Remember when I said I thought Kyle was gay?  Scratch that.  Kyle is running on the beach in long white pants and a green tank.  Steve comes running up next to him to talk about Kelly.  Steve is wearing short shorts and a belly shirt.  Yeah.  Okay then.  Maybe they’re both gay.  Kyle says that they had a good time and Kyle says they’re not a couple.  Steve doesn’t understand why nothing happened. 

DJDave finds Dumb Donna at the club to talk her into doing the scene.  He has an idea but wants her to apologize and admit to being a bad actress.  She does so DJDave takes her away.

Brenda still can’t find Dylan.  Now Brandon is in the kitchen with her and Mrs. Walsh.  He’s staring off into space from the shadows of the room.  He’s upset.  His would-be lover is gone.  Mrs. Cleaver explains that she found out that the morning of Dylan’s accident, he was supposed to be on a plane to Hawaii to see his mom.  No one has heard from him.  Perhaps this was a surfing suicide attempt.

The surf is troublesome.  The winds are strong and quick.  Debris flies around the beach club at night.  From the shadows, with guitar solo underscore, Dylan emerges and picks a lock to go inside a cabana.  He crashes on the couch with his lighter on high flame.  He stares at the fire as REM plays on and on.  Flashback to a child sitting on the floor and rolling a truck around.  Then a father calls and the boy runs into the surf.  They frolic and play.  The father promises to always be there and never let him fall.  Those words echo over and over as Dylan curls up in the fetal position and sniffles into the crook of his arm.  Man, I don’t think I can watch any more.  Nothing can top the drama that I’ve just seen.

Yet, I continue to watch.  I can’t stop.  Brandon finds Dylan crashed on the couch the next morning.  He says that someone will call the cops if they find him.  Dylan shows Brandon a closet that reveals that this cabana was Dylan’s when he was a lad.  Hence the flashbacks.  Dylan doesn’t want to see his mom and calls her a flake.  Brandon doesn’t understand because he has a great mom.  They meet up with Kyle who is all pumped for his game.  He finds Kelly who doesn’t want to talk about the date and he tells her that it’s not her.  She asks if she’s his type and he doesn’t know.  I know, though.  His type involves a penis and I don’t think she has one.  He asks her to play in their game.

Big Jim reprimands Brenda in the Walsh kitchen about how to load a dish washer.  He says that there’s right and wrong.  She says that there’s also the Walsh way which kicks people out on the street when they’re injured.  She cries and screams that she needs to help him and he hugs her, promising that they’ll all take care of him.  He says that she needs to understand that he can’t believe his little girl is pregnant.  She says she’s not either of those and they hug it out more.

Back at the beach, Steve hits Kelly with a ball.  He says that if Kelly can’t take it, she can’t play.  Then Kyle heads under the net, makes a beeline for Steve, and tackles him about the waist.  He yells at Steve for being jerky, all while lying on top of him.  Bow chicka bow wow.  Steve grumbles to Kyle to get off of him and makes fun of him for not making it with Kelly Taylor.  So then Kelly says she was with Kyle and he was wonderful. 

And now it’s time for DJDave and DumbDonna’s version of Romeo and Juliet.  For some reason, they have costumes and a curtain and a stage while Brenda had none of that.  Oh, wait, I know the reason.  She’s Brenda.  Nuff said.  So the curtains open and everyone laughs because DJDave is playing Juliet and DumbDonna is playing Romeo.  They overact on purpose and DJDave is a dead ringer for Kirsty Alley.  The scene is about a minute long.  That was a lot of worrying for only a minute. 

The instructor reprimands them for going for the easy laugh which is a cop out.  He then says it was funny and entertaining.  He tells them that they need to eventually do it again.

Kelly and Kyle are still talking about their stupid date from the other night.  Jeez.  Get over it.  Now she doesn’t want an explanation and he wants to give her one.  It’s something he’s never told anyone.  He says he never slept with a girl and she says it’s not a big deal that he’s a virgin.  He then says, “I’ve never slept with a girl before and I don’t know if I want to.”  She asks if he’s gay and he says no and then he says he doesn’t know and he wishes he were attracted to her so he would be less confused. Then he wants her to keep it a secret because he trusts her.  And that makes it all better for her.  Now maybe they can stop talking about the stupid stupid date. 

Over at the cabanas, Brandon runs up and jumps next to Dylan all happy and stuff.  He tells him the good news—Big Jim wants Dylan back under the Walsh roof.  Dylan says no way. Then Brandon says that Brenda would never ever forgive Big Jim if Dylan didn’t come home. 

Brenda comes home all happy that Dylan’s car is outside.  Mrs. Cleaver says that Dylan and Big Jim are talking in the living room and they’re taking it one meal at a time.  Big Jim talks to Dylan about his criminal father and uses the words assets and provisions.  Dylan again complains about his flaky mom so Big Jim offers a place for him to stay until he works things out.  He apologizes for flipping out the other day because he’s been the only man in Brenda’s life until now.  He’s forgetting about Brandon though.

Dylan asks why Big Jim always acts as if he’s not good enough.  Big Jim admits to not being fair with him and no one would be good enough for his daughter.  So Dylan says that girls look for guys that remind them of their fathers.  Big Jim doesn’t want to admit that he has anything in common with Dylan.  Then he tells Dylan to talk to his father.

Ooh, another dramatic moment—this time, with voiceover!  Dylan wears a white undershirt and composes a letter to his father in a shadowy room upstairs.  He talks about the promise his dad made at the cabana and that he used to believe him but no longer does.  He still wants a father.  He loves him. 

Brenda creeps in and says good night.  He says good night.  She says sleep well.  He gives her a half smile.  And for a moment, I think he’s smiling at me. 

Taking A Beating: Beverly Hills, 90210 "Play It Again, David"

Highlights: Brandon's a big brother; Kelly's a wicked step-child; Brenda hallucinates and Dylan disappears

I suppose last episode, Donna and Brenda had a few days off from summer school so that they could go to the beach.  Or the writers forgot about the storyline.  In any case, the girls are back at West Bev with Andrea who’s complaining about having to make animal noises.  The duck sound is the most embarrassing sound.  She thinks it has something to do with her looks; no Andrea, ducks are cute.  You are hideous.

Kelly shows up in a purple outfit that looks like it could belong to an MTV Grind dancer.  She doesn’t understand how they can be in school in the summer.  She takes Brenda to have lunch with her and her mom at the beach club.  They give Andrea a ride and invite her for lunch.  Instead, she has to talk to Brandon.  Kelly says that her problem is that all she does is talk.  Andrea says that it’s possible to just be friends with a guy.

Brenda and Kelly meet up with Coked Up Jackie who’s already eating.  Kelly mentions a surfer burger which makes Brenda have hallucinations of Dylan running on the beach in nothing but trunks and then they roll around in the surf and kiss and miss each other and they’re all tan.  Nice!  Actually, it looks really uncomfortable.  Still, Dylan’s almost naked so, Nice!

Meanwhile, Henry finds Brandon to tell him that his sister’s here as well as a friend.  Andrea shows up and Brandon’s like, Hey, and she says that it’s important and he tells her she should swim.  Right.  She explains about this kid at the youth center who lost his big brother and she wants Brandon to hang out with him on an informal basis one afternoon a week.  Brandon is intrigued because the kid skates.  Andrea gives Brandon the kid’s address.  He tells her to leave.

Coked Up Jackie breaks a tooth on a chicken and the third best oral surgeon in Los Angeles takes a look at Jackie’s mouth. He asks for crazy glue and then asks Coked Up Jackie out for dinner.  They agree that it’s not ethical so Coked Up Jackie says yes to dinner.  He introduces himself as Mel Silver and says that his son goes to school with her daughter.  David.  David Silver.  Kelly has flashbacks to the heinous interaction and Mel calls David a ladies’ man.  Kelly is appalled.  I am so happy.

The next day, Kelly complains to Brenda on the phone about her mom and David’s dad.  Brenda promises not to tell anyone.  Brandon comes into the kitchen in short shorts and explains about the big brother thing.  He arrives at the house and molests a cat on the stairs.  Then the mother greets Brandon and he compliments their rinky dink apartment.  She says she went to Beverly High.  He says he goes to West Bev.  He asks what happened to Felix’s dad—that’s the kid—and she says she hasn’t heard from him. 

Felix is a very unhappy child.  He says that everything sucks.  The mom tells him to behave.  He won’t.  She tells Brandon he’s a good kid but difficult.  Brandon isn’t scared.  They go to the boardwalk and skate.  Brandon yells out for Felix to be careful.  So Felix knocks two women over.  Instead of reprimanding him, Brandon asks him to slow down so he can keep up.  Felix says that he’s not a charity case and he has friends.  Brandon thought that he wanted someone older to hang out with.  Oh, no, is pedophilia creeping in again?  Felix asks him why he’s doing it and Brandon has nothing better to do. 

Steve annoys Donna and Kelly at the beach club.  He asks about Kelly’s mom banging Mel Silver.  Donna says that just because David’s a geek doesn’t mean his dad is and that David isn’t that bad.  Kelly complains that David is bragging about the date.  That’s weird.  DJ David Gung Ho Silver is way too long for me to write anymore.  I’m shortening it to DJDave.

Meanwhile, Brandon buys lemonades with lots of ice for him and his new pal.  He calls Andrea and leaves a message thanking her for dumping Felix on her. Felix hears Brandon complaining so he apologizes for being a pain.  Brandon’s angry.  Then he explains that he works at the beach club to look at pretty girls.  Felix still wants Brandon to be his friend so he can watch Brandon work. 

Mel Silver arrives at Kelly’s house and he asks her about the beach and hanging out with DJDave.  Mel says that DJDave is a Kelly Fan and is a friend for life.  Coked Up Jackie comes down glowing and loves the white tulips he brought.  Coked Up Jackie tells Kelly to put them in water.  Mel made reservations at her favorite restaurant.  He says he’ll say hi to DJDave for her.  Coked Up Jackie says not to wait up. 

The next day, Felix helps Brandon hand out towels at the beach club.  Henry asks who Felix is and then warns that Felix better not get in the way.  Henry saw Felix steal a French fry.  Brandon hangs out with a lot of thieves. 

Brenda explains to Mrs. Cleaver about Kelly’s mom and David’s dad.  Mrs. Cleaver says that love works itself out.  Imaginary Dylan appears behind Brenda in the Walsh kitchen.  He asks if things will work out between them.  Because he wants more sex.

Brandon shows up with Felix.  Mrs. Cleaver puts an apron on Felix and they all cook together.  Brandon touches Felix on the shoulder and he jumps and throws the food all over the place.  He apologizes a lot and Mrs. Cleaver tells Felix to call his mom.  However, he makes a fake phone call and doesn’t talk to anyone. 

The next day—how many friggin days are in one episode—DJDave finds Kelly to dish about their parents.  He wants to be her step-brother.  Man, Brandon’s wrong kind of love is wiping off on everyone.  Kelly has a nightmare while she’s awake about DJDave’s friends going through her panty drawer.  And Brenda’s hallucinations are rubbing off on Kelly. 

Mel comes home with Coked Up Jackie and they make out.  He wants to go out the next day and Coked Up Jackie’s going to hang out with Kelly.  Mel invites them both out and he’s going to bring DJDave.  That’ll be fun!  He leaves and Kelly suggest that Coked Up Jackie stay single for a while.  Coked Up Jackie says that the four of them are having dinner together.  Kelly isn’t happy again. 

The next day—day 32 in this episode—Felix comes to the beach club and orders stuff from the bar and tells the bartender that he’s Brandon’s little brother.  Henry complains to Brandon and doesn’t want members to complain.  Brandon finds Felix to tell him to go home.  He suggests they skate around the next day instead.

DJDave videotapes Kelly telling him to get lost.  Steve shows up in his regular ugly attire.  He says something about California girls.  Kelly asks how Steve can get along with DJDave and Steve says to humor him.  He says that the dinner means that Coked Up Jackie and Mel are serious and will bring about a romantic declaration of love.  Kelly wants to stop it and asks Steve for advice.  He says to be mean and rude—a step-child from Hell.

At dinner, Kelly is rude.  Mel is nice.  Kelly is mean.  Coked Up Jackie is nice and uncomfortable because of Kelly’s behavior.  DJDave is uncomfortable.  Kelly complains about DJDave’s videotape habit and Mel calls Kelly pretty and Kelly is mean.  Coked Up Jackie reprimands Kelly.  Mel suggests they start with drinks and Kelly flips out that he wants Coked Up Jackie to drink. Coked Up Jackie wants water and Kelly continues to berate Mel.  Coked Up Jackie tells Kelly to shut up and they both leave the table.  Kelly says that Coked Up Jackie has been married or drunk and wants time with Coked Up Jackie alone.  Coked Up Jackie says she has a right to be happy and promises to spend time with Kelly who still doesn’t want to share her, especially not with DJDave.  Kelly cries.  Coked Up Jackie says she understands and then wants to continue dinner.  And they do because it’s all okay now.

Brandon shows up at the beach club on his day off and Felix doesn’t show up.  Henry asks if he has better things to do than get stood up by a pre-teen.  Brandon says yes but he’s obviously lying.  Brandon goes to find Felix.  He yells at him.  A lot.  Then stops mid sentence when he sees a bruise on Felix’s face.  Felix doesn’t want to say how he got it but Brandon says he’s trustworthy.  So Felix says that his mom hit him because he was bad because he didn’t call her.  Then Felix shows Brandon his back that has welts on it.  Brandon promises that it will all be okay and gives him a hug which is a miracle cure.

Later on, Brandon hunts down Andrea at West Bev and tells her that Felix’s mom beats him.  Andrea asks if he’s sure a zillion times and Brandon insists that Felix wouldn’t lie.  Andrea says stuff about foster care and Brandon says he’s sorry.  Andrea suggests they contact a social worker and Brandon wants to talk to his parents because they can fix anything.

Kelly tells Brenda about the dinner and Mrs. Walsh calls Kelly a nutcase.  Dylan calls Brenda from Hawaii and Mrs. Cleaver yells out hi.  He’s in a pool under waterfalls and says stuff about his other girlfriends and he says that he still.  What?  He still what?  There’s all static and then they get disconnected.  Big Jim is happy that the phone cut off. 

Then Brandon comes in and Big Jim says he looks beat.  Brandon says, “I’m not but I know someone who is.”  Now that’s just awful.  Do I have to keep watching?  Jeez.  Brandon tells them about Felix and the beatings.  He asks if he reports it and Brenda says he has to and Brandon says stuff about foster care and Felix’s dad.  He asks if Felix can stay with them.  Big Jim and Mrs. Cleaver say no but Brenda says that they let Dylan stay so Felix should stay too.  I see the logic in that.  Brandon says that Felix made him promise not to tell.  Well, there’s a good reason not to report abuse; a minor asks you not to tell.

At the beach club, Kelly and DJDave sit in an awkward silence.  She wants to buy him a soda and she apologizes for being a bitch.  He snaps at her that his parents’ divorce isn’t even final and he wishes that his dad liked his mom instead of Kelly’s mom.  They talk about being kids of divorced parents and therapists.  The subtle music of bonding plays under their reconciliation.  How sweet.  Kelly asks for a truce and DJDave does a very horrible impression of Humphrey Bogart and now I hate him because of it.

Brandon shows up at Felix’s house and Felix’s mom thanks Brandon for spending time with Felix.  Brandon tells her that he knows she beats Felix.  She tells him to get the hell out.  Then Brandon gets the crazy eyes and yells about bruises.  She says that she had too much to drink and hit him but it wasn’t hard and it won’t ever happen again.  Brandon says she needs to get help from a free community social service.  He then says that he talked to his parents which is the worst thing in the world.  He goes to leave, threatening to call a social worker.  That does the trick.  She breaks down and cries and she’s all ashamed and she needs help because she’s not that kind of a mother. 

Gregory Children’s Residence becomes the new home for Felix.  Brandon shows up for a fun visit.  Felix is pissed at Brandon because he told.  Brandon explains that Felix’s mom is getting help and that he didn’t forget about Felix and they’re still friends.  That makes it all better.  Brandon calls Felix his brother and Felix thanks him and they go get lunch.  Because Brandon thinks it’s okay to eat food that could be for the other orphans.