If Brandon Dies, It's Brenda's Fault: Beverly Hills, 90210 "Camping Trip"

Highlights: Steve loves beer and acts like a dad; Brandon still has a mancrush on Dylan; Dylan still  has a crush on Brenda; Brenda gets blamed for everything; Andrea?  Still hideous

Here’s the thing.  Some of this may not make sense because I’m recappin from DVD and some of the DVDs are not cooperating with my DVD player.  So I may have missed some stuff.  I’m pretty sure that Dylan should not be camping with cracked ribs but that may be out of sequence.  Then again, with this show, that may be exactly what they have going on.  Or they just forgot that Dylan cracked his ribs.  Or maybe Dylan’s ribs miraculously healed.  Wasn’t he supposed to be headed for Hawaii to see his mom?  Anyway, let’s get on with it.

The Walsh twins are packing, Brenda reprimanding Brandon for having too much stuff.  She’s packing his toothbrush.  Why can’t he do that on his own?  Oh, because he’s too busy finding his lucky hat.  Now he has a lucky hat?  He’s never had one before.  It’s a Rat Pack fedora and I love those hats and I love it on him because it covers up the hair.  Brenda likens it to a beaver. 

Kelly comes into Brandon’s bedroom to ask him to talk to Steve.  Steve is downstairs unpacking DumbDonna’s things because she has too much stuff.  Brandon goes downstairs while Kelly and Brenda talk bad about Steve.  Then Kelly tells Brenda that because CokedUpJackie and Dr. Silver are now dating, the gang has to take DJDave along with them.  Then Brenda says that Dylan’s not coming because his mom is back from Hawaii. 

Downstairs, Steve is scolding DumbDonna—no one takes shoulder pads on a camping trip!  He’s almost right.  No one takes shoulder pads ANYWHERE.  Then again, this was the mid-90s; I guess people were still sportin shoulder pads.  Not that Steve is the authority on fashion with those belly shirts of his.  Brandon breaks up their fight by smothering DumbDonna with a hug and a big wet kiss on her cheek.  She’s too dumb to realize how gross that it.

Then Dylan shows up out of nowhere with a sleeping bag.  Is he coming?!?!?  No, just dropping off a sleeping bag.  He walks away and Brandon chases him down to try to convince him to come along because who else is Brandon gonna get all Brokeback Mountain on if Dylan isn’t there?  Dylan explains that he can’t go because his mom read his stars and planets and they aren’t aligned.  He’s sick of the cosmic mumbo jumbo and Brandon says some Spanish words and squeezes Dylan’s shoulder.  That’s convincing enough for Dylan to change his mind.  Brandon skips over to Steve and gleefully tells him that Dylan’s coming along.  Steve acts 49 and says that he now has to rearrange bags.

Upstairs, Mrs. Cleaver is giving Brenda a list of rules for camping including to make sure the boys stay on top of her.  Ha.  While hiking.  Double ha.  That’s comedy.  And sexist comedy at that.  Then Brenda says Dylan’s not coming and Brandon comes in to say that he is and they all want Dylan to be naked. 

Steve is outside still complaining.  Brenda is taking too long and now they’ll hit traffic.  Of course it’s all Brenda’s fault.  Maybe if Brandon had packed his own toothbrush instead of looking for his stupid hat, Brenda wouldn’t still be upstairs packing her own crap.  Since when did Steve become the ornery dad?  Dylan goes to get her.

Awwww.  Now I just got all gushy-giggly.  Dylan in his white tee and blue jeans sidles up into the doorway and smiles a little while watching Brenda zip up her bag.  And I’m all mush right now.  Awwww.  He offers to help her smoosh her bag closed. He says that he shouldn’t be going and she says that he has to go because she just repacked the whole bag for him.  Oh yeah—that’s the other reason she’s holding everyone up. She’s packing more of Brandon’s clothes for Dylan to wear so he’s not naked.  Her fault of course.  He asks if she’ll feel weird with him there and she says that the trip is completely platonic. He says that she and her brother are like twins or something.  Comedy.  As they leave the room, we see that Brandon’s lucky hat has been left on the floor—no room in the bag for it.  Dun dun DUN.

Once everyone is outside, Brandon gives them a pep talk about a righteous journey they’re going to take.  Why is Hideous Andrea there?  Where did she come from?  They all gather round in a huddle and cheer.  Then DJDave sings 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall as they pull away in their huge ugly van.  Kelly makes DJDave stop singing and Steve sings instead Yosemite Here We Come which everyone joins in for.  What the heck song is that and why does everyone know the words?  I’m annoyed already and they’re just showing the opening credits now.

THUNDER!  LIGHTNING!  POURING RAIN!  This is what happens when Brandon’s hat gets left behind.  Then the sound editors—love the sound editors—play a synthesized version of the first few notes of that dueling banjos song a la Deliverance.  The gagn stands under an awning, disheveled and unhappy and bickering.  Now Kelly blames Steve for not believing the weather report.  Steve blames Brandon for having to stop and change tires for some other people on the way that now they’re stuck because the highway patrol closed the road.  Brandon gives another annoying pep talk and reminds them that they’re on vacation. 

Brenda and Dylan tell the gang that there’s a cabin left where they’ve stopped.  The cabin has a leaky roof and there are pots everywhere collecting water.  DJDave is video taping everything.  Then he complains that there aren’t enough beds.  Brenda and Dylan gaze at each other longingly.  So much for platonic camping.  The floor is wet, there’s no hot water, the toilet seat has splinters, and omigod omigod omigod yells Hideous Andrea as she leaps on top of the toilet—there are spiders.  Wow—here, Andrea actually does look pretty hideous.  Rain and big glasses and frizzy hair and a bright red rain jacket.  Yup, that’s not attractive.  Brenda kills the spider and says she feels the same about rodents.  Then omigod says Brenda—she found an empty mousetrap with nibbled cheese.

Brandon continues to be all upbeat and happy and gung ho.  He says he’s going to get dry firewood.  Then he asks Brenda where his boots are—she says by her bed.  At home.  Hahahhahahahaaaaa!  Then he reams her out for leaving his perfectly broken in boots by her bed at home.  Because he doesn’t have two hands and can’t pack them himself.  Dylan asks Steve if they’re having fun yet.  Oh, more comedy.  Heehee.

A little bit later, the girls unpack the food which is all wet. DJDave complains that no one brought a CD player.  What’s wrong with these guys?  If you want to bring something on the trip, then pack it yourself.  Jeez.  DumbDonna is pleased that she brought her walkman and Steve calls her stupid. 

Then Steve plans on going for a beer run and asks Dylan to come with.  Brenda jumps all over Steve for tempting Dylan to drink.  Dylan says, excuse me but I can answer for myself, in a very raspy cold voice and then they share a look of sorrow and passion like no other.  Flute music plays as Dylan says, not this time man.  Oh, I love it when he makes good choices.  DJDave decides to go and Kelly calls them Mutt And Jeff which is a reference no teenager would ever know ever. 

DumbDonna wants to go too and everyone is surprised.  She says there’s something she needs to get and none of the guys understand so she says, A feminine product okay?, and they all look away ashamed and uncomfortable. 

As they leave, Brandon says that they should try to get him hiking boots too.  Brenda and Brandon bicker some more about the stupid boots and the packing.  Then Brenda asks how she was supposed to fit all the extra stuff in there for Dylan.  Dylan calls himself a cosmic jinx and then slams a door but I have no idea where that door leads and I’m not sure if he knows either.

Oh, it goes outside.  He’s running away and Brenda chases him out.  Now it’s not raining.  When did that happen?  Anyway, Brenda says that they all need to mellow out and Dylan shouldn’t try to be the death of the party.  At the soda machine, they meet a woman who is on her honeymoon there.  The husband comes out with her coat and they get all mushy.  This is so horribly unentertaining and stupid.

Steve leaves the convenience store in a huff since he couldn’t get beer. At least DumbDonna got her tampons.  He sees some old people and asks them to buy beer. 

At the cabin, Brenda and Kelly are playing Go Fish.  Hideous Andrea is instructing Brandon about building a fire.  The two of them bicker about Brandon’s fire building ability and I just realized that I own the same pair of glasses that Hideous Andrea is wearing.  I don’t wear them anymore but I used to.  That makes me feel real good.  Dylan suggests that the firestarter go get dry wood from the newlyweds next door.  Brandon makes an awkward lunge movement towards Dylan and then tells Hideous Andrea to come with him to get wood.  Brenda says they can’t barge in on newlyweds and Brandon complains about hypothermia.

Brandon and Hideous Andrea show up at the newlywed cabin and ask for the firewood.  The husband doesn’t want them to come in but the wife invites them in for a toast and hot chocolate.  Their cabin is warm and not leaky.  The husband is annoyed.

At the store, the old couple runs out and gets into their car.  DJDave sees them but Steve doesn’t believe it until the store closes and they run away and it’s too late for beer.

The husband and wife tell Brandon and Hideous Andrea about how they met and how they’re sure their marriage will last.  They snuggle on the couch and the husband wants to make porn.  Brandon pulls Hideous Andrea towards the door because Andrea wanted to watch because she’s never seen a penis before.

In the gang’s cabin, they have a fire started.  Steve can’t wait until he’s 21 because he likes beer.  Brenda says she’s not in a rush to grow up.  Then they all complain about being too young to do anything—clubs, bars, beer.  Of course, Hideous Andrea brings up voting like Brian did in The Breakfast Club but then Kelly says that parents don’t vote anyway.  Well, parents who are all coked up probably don’t.  Brandon says his parents vote and then they tell him that his parents are different—Jim is important and Cindy is from the 50s.

Steve suggests that the Walsh parents know the meaning of life and Dylan calls him cosmic Steve.  I think the writers have a quota to fill—how many times can they use cosmic in one episode.  Steve has no idea what the meaning of life is. Kelly says that the meaning of life is love.  Hideous Andrea agrees.  So it must be true because she wears glasses.  But Hideous Andrea talking about love is a farce because who could love her because she’s so hideous.  Dylan says that love doesn’t buy you dinner and it confuses people so you have to fight for food.  Brenda is upset by Dylan’s outlook on love and explains that finding someone you love would be a lucky thing in life. 

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door.  It’s Alison—the wife.  She’s crying into her cup of cocoa.  She asks if there’s room for one more at their cabin because her husband—Neil—is an idiot.  Proving the girls’ point that love is the answer to all.

Alison wants to get divorced because Neil is a fool.  She says that the bastard got her pregnant but the bastard doesn’t know.  She found out a week ago and was going to tell him tonight but he just said that he doesn’t want kids.  Neil arrives at the cabin and Brandon for who knows what reason does a very bad Ricky Ricardo impression.  Shut up, Brandon.  Alison runs to the bathroom.  Neil explains that Alison blew up on him for no reason. Steve tells him not to beg for forgiveness and all the guys agree.  DJDave is videotaping it all. 

Neil and Alison talk it out in front of the gang while Brenda and Dylan keep sharing glances of love and desperation.  Gag me.  Neil asks her if it’s that time of the month and Alison runs back to the bathroom.  Hideous Andrea tells him to give Alison some time and he complains that he’s getting marriage advice from teenagers.  Kelly points out the ageism again and then they all say that they’ve been through divorces and trial separations.  Neil doesn’t want a divorce. 

Kelly, Steve, and Dylan tell everyone about their parents being divorced and how it caused mental anguish on them as children.  DJDave then says that his dad became a jerk and he’s not mental over it.  Neil then says that he has no kids and doesn’t plan on having any.  Alison who came out of the bathroom already hears him and yells at him again.  Neil loves his nieces and nephews.  Alison calls him a bad father to be.  Then Neil realizes that she’s pregnant and THUNDER!  Heehee. Sound editors.  Neil though that she couldn’t get pregnant.  Dylan shouts and leaves for no apparent reason.  They call him antisocial and Brenda follows him because that’s what she always does.

Brenda finds Dylan in the honeymoon cabin.  Dylan complains about marriage and love and says that Brenda would never understand anything ever.  He says that his mom is a looney tune and his dad is in jail.  Brenda says she can’t imagine how it feels, proving Dylan’s point.  She tells him to look on the bright side of life.  First thing she says: Brandon loves you.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Yes, he certainly does.  She says that every girl would love to go out with him.  Dylan answers, Every girl…but one.  She wants him to accept that she cares about him but he’s having none of it.  The newlyweds show up all happy and now that they have a fetus, they may as well have a baby.  Neil and Dylan then get into a fight about babies asking to be born and giving children away and Dylan was a mistake and tells Alison to have an abortion.  Then he storms out.  He must really love slamming doors.

The gang is getting ready for bed when Brenda arrives.  Brandon immediately asks where Dylan is because he needs a sleeping buddy.  Dylan is walking around in the woods, hugging himself and shivering.  Uh-oh.  Those electric guitars are playing again.  Something’s up.  And there it is, folks!  Dylan’s got a mini bottle of schnapps or something of the alcoholic persuasion and he downs it in a minute.  Possibly to dull the pain of living his whole life thinking that he was a mistake but also it may warm him up a little. He hugs the empty bottle to his lips and then tucks it in his pocket for safe keeping.

In the morning, Brandon goes down to the van to wake Dylan up but Dylan’s not there.  Brandon hikes around to a rock and finds Dylan leaning there.  Dylan hands Brandon two empty bottles and Brandon says, Drink drink.  Idiot.  Dylan says that he puked so it’s okay.  Brandon says that he was clean for so long and Dylan calls himself a failure.  Brandon thinks that chirping birds and the sun will make it all better.  Dylan says he feels okay.  Brandon congratulates him on battling his demons and winning and tells Dylan to stop beating himself up.  Wow—Brandon should be a therapist.  Oh!  AND the reverse mollet is back!!  I’m kinda happy Brenda left the stupid hat at home.

Brandon then talks to Dylan about how cosmic looney tune mom let Dylan down and how Dylan should talk about it.  Dylan says that it’s an old story and shouldn’t have let his guard down.  Feelings.  Nothing more than feelings.  Blah blah blah.  Parents. Responsibility.  Expectation.  Brandon then says, You’re standing next to me and we should take advantage of the situation.  Bow chicka bow wow.  He wants to hike through the righteously beautiful countryside.  And then they’re gonna do it in the middle of the woods.  Sigh, young love.

Inside the cabin, DJDave is recording everyone waking up. They all yell at DJDave.  Steve is blowing his nose loudly.  They don’t have any food and they’re all grumpy. Then Hideous Andrea opens the door and the sun makes it all better.  She asks where Brandon is because she thinks she still has a shot with him.

Meanwhile, Brandon and Dylan are walking towards the water on some big rocks.  Seriously, this looks like the beginning of a porno.  Dylan squeezes Brandon’s shoulder.  They walk along a log and some rocks and Brandon slips and hurts his ankle.  Dylan gets concerns and wants to lick Brandon’s wounds but Brandon says that he’s okay and only wishes he had his hiking boots.  Brenda’s fault.

They then climb up a huge hill and more rocks and take in the view.  Very pretty.  This takes forever.  For. Ev. Er.  They finally make it up to the top and Brandon says that the future is now and they stand shoulder to shoulder and peer over the edge.  Then, THEN, and this is the most AWESOME thing in the world, the rock that Brandon’s standing on gives way and he falls and slides down the edge of the cliff.  Dylan yells BRANDON and dives for him.   Oh jeez this just keeps getting better.  Brandon’s face is now all black and dusty but it’s the kind of black that looks like he’s been fixing a car, not sliding down a mountain.  And he has a cut on the top of his forehead which could not possibly be there unless he summer saulted down. 

Dylan is belly-down on a rock high above, screaming for Brandon to answer him.  He also says, where you at?  Nice.  He barely gets near the edge himself.  Brandon tells him to get away and then loses a shoe.  Dylan tells Brandon to at least try to grab his hand and not to look down.  Then Dylan points to his own eyes and tells Brandon to look there and stretch dammit.  Is it wrong that I’m rooting for Brandon to fall?  He doesn’t though.  Dylan pulls him up with one arm.  Again, this is taking way too long.  Finally, they both crawl up to solid ground and sit on a boulder that’s again right on the edge of the cliff.  Maybe the whole thing will go down.  Brandon thanks Dylan and puts his arm around him.  Dylan calls him filthy; well, incest is a filthy thing.  They hug it out.

The gang is gathered outside, worried about Brandon and Dylan.  Brenda and Hideous Andrea checked with the main office and no calls have come in.  They did find out that there were rock slides in the area because of the rain but DumbDonna insists that they’re fine.  Oh, yeah, it was pouring torrentially the day and night before yet the ground was completely dry when the boys went hiking.  And the picnic table that the gang is sitting on now that’s not under any shelter is completely dry.  This is the dumbest show ever. 

As DJDave complains of malnutrition, Dylan and Brandon arrive in the van and Steve is pleased that the van isn’t scratched.  Umm, why did they take the van in the first place?  Couldn’t they walk if they were hiking?  Anyway, they ask Brandon if he was in an accident and he says they were hanging out.  Brenda says that he lost a shoe.  Brandon says he has a foot and Dylan points out two feet and they both say two arms and a head.  Because this is somehow funny.  Then Brandon suggests that they all get out of there. 

Brenda and Dylan make up and agree to forget about last night.  Brenda says that she knew Dylan would be okay because Brandon was with him.  He say, yeah, but we all know how ironic that is since Dylan saved Brandon from falling off the cliff.

Then Dylan finds the newlyweds to remind them about that abortion she should get.  Oh, actually, he apologizes.  They tell him not to apologize and thank him for giving them a lot to think about.  So thank you, Dylan, for suggesting I abort my fetus.

Steve is still packing up and DJDave is still complaining about being hungry.  Hideous Andrea finds Brandon leaning under a tree.  She asks if he’s okay and he hugs her and picks her up.  Hideous Andrea once again thinks she’s getting closer to seeing his penis.  Then the gang gathers in a huddle and cheers one more time for journeys and road trips.