My Slutty Valentine: Beverly Hills, 90210 "Wildfire"Highlights: Everyone goes back to school and wears ugly clothes; Dylan and Brandon date the same girl; the girls can't sing; Guy who shoots himself does not shoot himself...yet Brandon must be dreaming. His bruised face is gone and he’s at the beach club,not working, but sitting surrounded by lovely ladies. Then he hears his sister calling his name. It is a dream; Brenda calls him pokey and tells him to get out of bed. However, his face is still not bruised. Miracle cures. He had a good sleep. She had a bad one because she dreamed that she was at school all naked. Brandon knows that’s what she dreamed because that was his dream too. Kelly is trying on lots of different shoes, most of which are ugly. Hideous Andrea is sharpening a hundred pencils because why should she care about what she wears because it will all be hideous. Steve fawns over himself in the mirror with all different shirts, none of which are belly shirts thankfully. DumbDonna tries a bunch of different hairstyles. At West Bev, all the kids are badly dressed anyway with big bad hair and Classic cars. The twins arrive and reminisce about Mondale and their first day of school the year before. My how things have changed. And Brenda is wearing a tie. I repeat, Brenda is wearing a tie. Teen girls of the 90s unite—wear ties! As some of my friends did. The power of television never ceases to amaze me. DJDave is in his booth, making all kinds of fun announcements. Ooh, oh! Guy who shoots himself is back and he’s wearing a cowboy hat! Yeehaw! When is this kid gonna die already? Brenda tries to convince the girls to do a presentation for Hello Day. I have no idea what that is. Guy who shoots himself goes into DJDave’s booth to chat about the summer. He was in Oklahoma and DJDave did not score with the ladies. DJDave tells him that his hat is big and Guy who shoots himself gives DJDave a country western CD. DJDave doesn’t like Guy who shoots himself and doesn’t want to play country western. Electric guitars are playing once again so Dylan must be coming. And there he is. And some blonde chick on a motorcycle pulls up next to him and he’s all checking her out and stuff. He climbs out of his car without opening the door because he’s cool and he says high to the biker chick. He says that she’s late. She says he is too. Her name is Emily Valentine and she’s a transfer who is not impressed with L. A. Dylan tells her about wind and sand and she’s not impressed. He suggests taking her out right now and she doesn’t want to ditch school so he’s going to take her out tonight. Okay, hang on. First of all—who does this? This does not happen ever. Ever. Secondly, wasn’t he just telling Brenda at the cabin how the one girl in the world he wants doesn’t want him and he loves her? Yeah, okay. Then again, Brenda can’t expect him to not date others if she doesn’t want to date him. Emily Valentine shows up at Brandon’s locker—ooh, Brandon got a haircut. They have a meaningful discussion about lockers. He walks her to the West Bev office so she can stash her guitar in there since it doesn’t fit in the locker. Her dad is a reporter so he’s suddenly in love. He asks her to come with him to a West Bev scrimmage. Hideous Andrea starts giving him orders without even saying hi and he tells her to relax. She gets mushy inside. Then her heart drops as she meets Emily Valentine, knowing that her hideousness cannot win over Emily’s hot looks. Awwwkkkwwwaaarrrrdd. The three girls are in the bathroom, figuring out their Hello Day routine. DumbDonna wants to do the Robert Palmer song Addicted to Love but change it to Addicted to Sex. That from the virgin. They decide on Addicted to Clothes. Who suggested it? Emily Valentine who was in the stall behind them. She invites herself into their group and they’re all excited. Again, I must point out—this could never actually happen ever. Maybe one of the three things that have happened but not all three. Outside, Dylan reveals to Brandon that he has a date and wants to bring her to The Pit and wants to make sure it’s not weird since Dylan used to date Brenda on and off. No, it wouldn’t be weird for that reason. It will be weird for the same reason Hideous Andrea gets jealous when she sees Brandon with a girl. Now it’s lunchtime. No one has gone to class yet but still, it’s lunch time. Emily learns about how rich Kelly and DumbDonna are and how Brenda can’t drive. Then Emily plays the guitar and sings Mercedes Benz, the Joplin song. Leave it to the writers to corrupt a classic. Then school is over and the girls gather at the Walsh house where Mrs. Cleaver gives them snacks. The first day of school was pretty simple considering no one went to class. Then again, since they had about 18 different classes in the first season, having none right now balances it out. They come up with lyrics for Addicted to Clothes. DumbDonna can’t rhyme. Because she’s dumb. Brandon comes into the kitchen and Emily is surprised to see him. Then she finds out about the twinship. Brandon puts an arm around Brenda but she squirms away. He leaves seeing that there’s still no chance and Brenda invites Emily to a big barbeque. I see where this is headed and I’m lovin it already. Then Dylan calls and it’s for Brandon so Brenda gets all downtrodden. Then Emily says that she met a guy named Dylan and Brenda’s all, Dylan McKay? And Emily says yeah and the girls fall silent and get awkward again. But no one explains anything so they let her feel all awkward. Now it’s nighttime. What the heck is Emily wearing? She’s got this odd gray suit on and Dylan’s outfit is the exact outfit that James Dean wore on all the posters for Rebel Without a Cause. Lazy wardrobe staff. Nat gets introduced to Emily Valentine and they go to the juke box. Brandon explains to Dylan that he has a date with Emily tomorrow. Nat calls Emily a heartbreaker. And that’s why her name is Valentine—IRONY. Again. Kelly and Brenda are dishing about Dylan and Emily. Brenda says that she’s fine with seeing other people. Kelly helpfully points out that Brenda isn’t seeing anyone. Dylan is meanwhile mackin it with Emily Valentine in his car. He then stops to tell her that he just broke up with someone who he’s not really broken up with but is. That clears things up. I’d like to point out that they both look like they’re in their 30s. He says that he doesn’t want anything heavy and she macks it with him more. Brandon bugs Brenda while she’s studying to say that Dylan showed up at The Pit with Emily Valentine. She says she’s not a jealous person. Brandon says that if she can handle it, so can he. Aw, so he IS jealous of Emily for dating Dylan. Brenda immediately calls Kelly to say that Emily made the first move. I don’t know what that means. At West Bev, DJDave is having a breakdown. He needs to go to the bathroom—which he calls “the head” and no teenager would ever say that—so he pulls in Guy who shoots himself to push a button. Brenda is complaining to Hideous Andrea about how Dylan is dating and she feels miserable. She almost called Hideous Andrea at the Rap Line! Hideous Andrea gives some advice—she looks 40—and then gets distracted when Brenda says that Brandon’s going out with Emily tonight. Emily then finds Steve in the hall who calls her Funny Valentine which is so original really. He walks her to the tech room right across the hall and he’s all gaga over her. Kelly is jealous and all four gals call her a slut. Meanwhile, Guy who shoots himself is playing country music. DJDave yells at Guy who shoots himself for playing bad music. Guy who shoots himself tells DJDave that he thinks he’s so cool because he hangs out with Kelly Taylor. Lunchtime! Emily shows up and tells the girls that she has to go to the gynecologist so she needs to miss practice for Hello Day. Brenda is shocked that Emily’s mom is taking her. Then Brenda sprints across the quad when she sees Dylan to tell him that Brandon’s going out with her. Dylan suggests that Brenda knit Emily a scarlet letter because that’s a very popular literary reference that all teenagers use. He complains that he can’t win, no matter what he does and he says that she can’t have it both ways since she doesn’t want to be a part of his sex life. What teenager has a sex life? Sure they have sex but they don’t call it a sex life. DJDave then dedicates the last song of the day to a beautiful girl. Kelly says that she can’t take another year of it. But the song isn’t for her—it’s Leader of the Pack for the pretty girl who rides a mean bike. Ha! Brenda explains that Emily Valentine rides a motorcycle. She shows up and Kelly says that she inherited the DJDave fan club. Then Brenda tells her to have a good time at the gynecologist and leaves. Kelly finally tells Emily that Brenda was Dylan’s girlfriend for almost a year. Really? A year? I guess in 90210 time, sure. Guy who shoots himself and DJDave make up in the booth. Some kids actually liked the country music. Guy who shoots himself asks DJDave to dinner but DJDave has to have dinner with his dad and the Taylor women. Guy who shoots himself says that he brought something explosive back from Oklahoma that DJDave needs to see. At the Walsh house, Brenda is giving Brandon a hard time about going out with Emily Valentine. To discourage him from going, she tells him that Emily is on the pill. He says that that’s Emily’s business. Really, he’s happy about it because then he can have sex with her then, and you know what they say about when you sleep with someone. When you sleep with a girl, you’re sleeping with everyone she’s slept with. Therefore—Brandon’s gonna sleep with Dylan. Savvy, that one is. He tells Brenda to stop trying to cause trouble. Emily tells Brandon about how much she’s moved and how she’s not used to it. He’s wearing that God-awful acid-washed denim jacket. She says she broke the 11th Commandment—Thou shalt not go out with Brenda Walsh’s ex boyfriend. Hey, that was kinda funny. Nice one, writers. Not drunk this week. She says that Brenda should have told Emily if she had a problem with it. Brandon takes Emily up to the hills—which is exactly where Dylan took her on their date. Only Wicked Game wasn’t playing with Dylan. It’s playing now. Sexy, Brandon, sexy. Then they mack it. BTW—they both look like they’re in their 30s. Emily stops the make out to tell him that she made out with Dylan in the same spot. He says he’s losing points in originality. She says that he can make up for it in other areas. So they mack it more. The next day at West Bev, Brandon hunts down Dylan to say that he digs Emily and wants to know how serious Dylan is with her. Dylan reminds him about the last time Brandon asked about a girl and how Dylan warned that if he did it again, he could pummel Brandon. Brandon asks if Dylan slept with her. He says no. Then Brandon gives Dylan a free shot and Dylan says not worth it. That’s worse than being punched in the gut. Meanwhile, Guy who shoots himself is showing DJDave firecrackers that DJDave is not impressed with. Then, and this is what I’ve been waiting for, Guy who shoots himself shows DJDave a huge gun that his grandfather gave him. Nice. Now shoot yourself. DJDave gets nervous when the gun is loaded and says he’s not amused. Guy who shoots himself insists that it’s fun but DJDave leaves. BigJim arrives at the Walsh house during the barbeque with some food. Emily Valentine has shown up and Kelly points out that all her boyfriends are here. Brenda and Emily bicker. Dylan admonishes Brenda but Brenda says it’s between her and Emily. Then Emily says that it’s like Knots Landing. Yes, another popular teenage reference. She tells Brenda to grow up because she should know what it’s like to be the new kid in school. All she wants to do is make friends, and she does that by making out with lots of people. Emily leaves and all the guys are pissed off. Way to kill a party, Brenda. Again, all your fault. Mrs. Cleaver yells at Brenda after the barbeque. Brenda explains that Emily is going out with Brandon and Dylan. Mrs. Cleaver calls her friendly. Brenda is upset that Dylan is dating Emily because she doesn’t love him while Brenda misses him so much. Mrs. Cleaver suggests that Brenda should be with Dylan and that Big Jim would want her to be happy. Brenda comes into Brandon’s room and asks him not to hate her. He says that he doesn’t. She says good night. He sighs. A missed opportunity to take advantage. Brandon is losing his game. At West Bev, DJDave is setting up for Hello Day. Kelly, DumbDonna, and Brenda are in tight black dresses and red lipstick and Emily isn’t showing up. Kelly then tells Brenda that she’s awful and needs to apologize and beg Emily to do the show. She finds Emily at the lockers and Emily is all mean. Brenda apologizes. Emily says that she liked Brenda and Brenda turned that on her. Emily says she doesn’t sleep around and she’s a virgin and she’s on the pill as preparation for sex. Brenda tells her to hang out with Kelly and DumbDonna and Emily doesn’t want to be the fourth musketeer. That convinced Emily who shows up on stage to sing with Kelly, DumbDonna, and Brenda as backup singers. They sing Breaking Up Is Hard To Do. The backup track is obviously lip synched with other voices. Then Emily’s singing is lip synched but I think it’s still her voice. The crowd loves it. Brandon says that Emily is talented and Hideous Andrea kind of agrees. They hug and Hideous Andrea prays that she will see Brandon naked soon. Guy who shoots himself finds DJDave and says the show is great. He apologizes for the rifle. DJDave says that Guy who shoots himself changed this summer. DJDave says he changed too and Guy who shoots himself isn’t a geek. DJDave says he’ll call him next week and tells him to cool it with the guns. Foreshadowing! I can’t wait. Emily is still horribly singing. Dylan is grinning in the audience but who is he grinning at? Hmmm. Afterwards, the four girls are best friends again and are gleaming about the show. Kelly and DumbDonna leave. Dylan shows up while Brenda and Emily are in the hallway alone. Emily says that Dylan is a hell of a guy and not to throw away whatever they’ve got. Then Brenda walks up to Dylan as Emily watches and smiles. That night, Wicked Game is playing again as Dylan and Brenda sit on the bluff where everyone goes to make out. She wants to start over but he doesn’t know where from. She says that she got scared and needed time to think but now she knows that she missed him and needed him and they have more than just physical. He says that he’s not there for just physical but he loves her. She loves him too. They mack it. He says that nothing happened with him and Emily and she says it’s none of her business. She apologizes for everything she put him through and he says it was worth it now that she’s here. They mack it. She says that she missed this and he did too. And, say it with me, they mack it. Aww, together again. | 
