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Thursday, June 26, 2008

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 22:34:09 GMT

More to come....as soon as I buckle down and watch those DVDs....

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 13:37:37 GMT

My Slutty Valentine: Beverly Hills, 90210 "Wildfire"

Highlights: Everyone goes back to school and wears ugly clothes; Dylan and Brandon date the same girl; the girls can't sing; Guy who shoots himself does not shoot himself...yet

Brandon must be dreaming. His bruised face is gone and he’s at the beach club,not working, but sitting surrounded by lovely ladies. Then he hears his sister calling his name. It is a dream; Brenda calls him pokey and tells him to get out of bed. However, his face is still not bruised. Miracle cures. He had a good sleep. She had a bad one because she dreamed that she was at school all naked. Brandon knows that’s what she dreamed because that was his dream too.

Kelly is trying on lots of different shoes, most of which are ugly. Hideous Andrea is sharpening a hundred pencils because why should she care about what she wears because it will all be hideous. Steve fawns over himself in the mirror with all different shirts, none of which are belly shirts thankfully. DumbDonna tries a bunch of different hairstyles.

At West Bev, all the kids are badly dressed anyway with big bad hair and Classic cars. The twins arrive and reminisce about Mondale and their first day of school the year before. My how things have changed. And Brenda is wearing a tie. I repeat, Brenda is wearing a tie. Teen girls of the 90s unite—wear ties! As some of my friends did. The power of television never ceases to amaze me. DJDave is in his booth, making all kinds of fun announcements. Ooh, oh! Guy who shoots himself is back and he’s wearing a cowboy hat! Yeehaw! When is this kid gonna die already?

Brenda tries to convince the girls to do a presentation for Hello Day. I have no idea what that is.

Guy who shoots himself goes into DJDave’s booth to chat about the summer. He was in Oklahoma and DJDave did not score with the ladies. DJDave tells him that his hat is big and Guy who shoots himself gives DJDave a country western CD. DJDave doesn’t like Guy who shoots himself and doesn’t want to play country western.

Electric guitars are playing once again so Dylan must be coming. And there he is. And some blonde chick on a motorcycle pulls up next to him and he’s all checking her out and stuff. He climbs out of his car without opening the door because he’s cool and he says high to the biker chick. He says that she’s late. She says he is too. Her name is Emily Valentine and she’s a transfer who is not impressed with L. A. Dylan tells her about wind and sand and she’s not impressed. He suggests taking her out right now and she doesn’t want to ditch school so he’s going to take her out tonight. Okay, hang on. First of all—who does this? This does not happen ever. Ever. Secondly, wasn’t he just telling Brenda at the cabin how the one girl in the world he wants doesn’t want him and he loves her? Yeah, okay. Then again, Brenda can’t expect him to not date others if she doesn’t want to date him.

Emily Valentine shows up at Brandon’s locker—ooh, Brandon got a haircut. They have a meaningful discussion about lockers. He walks her to the West Bev office so she can stash her guitar in there since it doesn’t fit in the locker. Her dad is a reporter so he’s suddenly in love. He asks her to come with him to a West Bev scrimmage. Hideous Andrea starts giving him orders without even saying hi and he tells her to relax. She gets mushy inside. Then her heart drops as she meets Emily Valentine, knowing that her hideousness cannot win over Emily’s hot looks. Awwwkkkwwwaaarrrrdd.

The three girls are in the bathroom, figuring out their Hello Day routine. DumbDonna wants to do the Robert Palmer song Addicted to Love but change it to Addicted to Sex. That from the virgin. They decide on Addicted to Clothes. Who suggested it? Emily Valentine who was in the stall behind them. She invites herself into their group and they’re all excited. Again, I must point out—this could never actually happen ever. Maybe one of the three things that have happened but not all three.

Outside, Dylan reveals to Brandon that he has a date and wants to bring her to The Pit and wants to make sure it’s not weird since Dylan used to date Brenda on and off. No, it wouldn’t be weird for that reason. It will be weird for the same reason Hideous Andrea gets jealous when she sees Brandon with a girl.

Now it’s lunchtime. No one has gone to class yet but still, it’s lunch time. Emily learns about how rich Kelly and DumbDonna are and how Brenda can’t drive. Then Emily plays the guitar and sings Mercedes Benz, the Joplin song. Leave it to the writers to corrupt a classic.

Then school is over and the girls gather at the Walsh house where Mrs. Cleaver gives them snacks. The first day of school was pretty simple considering no one went to class. Then again, since they had about 18 different classes in the first season, having none right now balances it out. They come up with lyrics for Addicted to Clothes. DumbDonna can’t rhyme. Because she’s dumb. Brandon comes into the kitchen and Emily is surprised to see him. Then she finds out about the twinship. Brandon puts an arm around Brenda but she squirms away. He leaves seeing that there’s still no chance and Brenda invites Emily to a big barbeque. I see where this is headed and I’m lovin it already.

Then Dylan calls and it’s for Brandon so Brenda gets all downtrodden. Then Emily says that she met a guy named Dylan and Brenda’s all, Dylan McKay? And Emily says yeah and the girls fall silent and get awkward again. But no one explains anything so they let her feel all awkward.

Now it’s nighttime. What the heck is Emily wearing? She’s got this odd gray suit on and Dylan’s outfit is the exact outfit that James Dean wore on all the posters for Rebel Without a Cause. Lazy wardrobe staff. Nat gets introduced to Emily Valentine and they go to the juke box. Brandon explains to Dylan that he has a date with Emily tomorrow. Nat calls Emily a heartbreaker. And that’s why her name is Valentine—IRONY. Again.

Kelly and Brenda are dishing about Dylan and Emily. Brenda says that she’s fine with seeing other people. Kelly helpfully points out that Brenda isn’t seeing anyone.

Dylan is meanwhile mackin it with Emily Valentine in his car. He then stops to tell her that he just broke up with someone who he’s not really broken up with but is. That clears things up. I’d like to point out that they both look like they’re in their 30s. He says that he doesn’t want anything heavy and she macks it with him more.

Brandon bugs Brenda while she’s studying to say that Dylan showed up at The Pit with Emily Valentine. She says she’s not a jealous person. Brandon says that if she can handle it, so can he. Aw, so he IS jealous of Emily for dating Dylan. Brenda immediately calls Kelly to say that Emily made the first move. I don’t know what that means.

At West Bev, DJDave is having a breakdown. He needs to go to the bathroom—which he calls “the head” and no teenager would ever say that—so he pulls in Guy who shoots himself to push a button.

Brenda is complaining to Hideous Andrea about how Dylan is dating and she feels miserable. She almost called Hideous Andrea at the Rap Line! Hideous Andrea gives some advice—she looks 40—and then gets distracted when Brenda says that Brandon’s going out with Emily tonight.

Emily then finds Steve in the hall who calls her Funny Valentine which is so original really. He walks her to the tech room right across the hall and he’s all gaga over her. Kelly is jealous and all four gals call her a slut.

Meanwhile, Guy who shoots himself is playing country music. DJDave yells at Guy who shoots himself for playing bad music. Guy who shoots himself tells DJDave that he thinks he’s so cool because he hangs out with Kelly Taylor.

Lunchtime! Emily shows up and tells the girls that she has to go to the gynecologist so she needs to miss practice for Hello Day. Brenda is shocked that Emily’s mom is taking her. Then Brenda sprints across the quad when she sees Dylan to tell him that Brandon’s going out with her. Dylan suggests that Brenda knit Emily a scarlet letter because that’s a very popular literary reference that all teenagers use. He complains that he can’t win, no matter what he does and he says that she can’t have it both ways since she doesn’t want to be a part of his sex life. What teenager has a sex life? Sure they have sex but they don’t call it a sex life.

DJDave then dedicates the last song of the day to a beautiful girl. Kelly says that she can’t take another year of it. But the song isn’t for her—it’s Leader of the Pack for the pretty girl who rides a mean bike. Ha! Brenda explains that Emily Valentine rides a motorcycle. She shows up and Kelly says that she inherited the DJDave fan club. Then Brenda tells her to have a good time at the gynecologist and leaves. Kelly finally tells Emily that Brenda was Dylan’s girlfriend for almost a year. Really? A year? I guess in 90210 time, sure.

Guy who shoots himself and DJDave make up in the booth. Some kids actually liked the country music. Guy who shoots himself asks DJDave to dinner but DJDave has to have dinner with his dad and the Taylor women. Guy who shoots himself says that he brought something explosive back from Oklahoma that DJDave needs to see.

At the Walsh house, Brenda is giving Brandon a hard time about going out with Emily Valentine. To discourage him from going, she tells him that Emily is on the pill. He says that that’s Emily’s business. Really, he’s happy about it because then he can have sex with her then, and you know what they say about when you sleep with someone. When you sleep with a girl, you’re sleeping with everyone she’s slept with. Therefore—Brandon’s gonna sleep with Dylan. Savvy, that one is. He tells Brenda to stop trying to cause trouble.

Emily tells Brandon about how much she’s moved and how she’s not used to it. He’s wearing that God-awful acid-washed denim jacket. She says she broke the 11^th Commandment—Thou shalt not go out with Brenda Walsh’s ex boyfriend. Hey, that was kinda funny. Nice one, writers. Not drunk this week. She says that Brenda should have told Emily if she had a problem with it. Brandon takes Emily up to the hills—which is exactly where Dylan took her on their date. Only Wicked Game wasn’t playing with Dylan. It’s playing now. Sexy, Brandon, sexy. Then they mack it. BTW—they both look like they’re in their 30s. Emily stops the make out to tell him that she made out with Dylan in the same spot. He says he’s losing points in originality. She says that he can make up for it in other areas. So they mack it more.

The next day at West Bev, Brandon hunts down Dylan to say that he digs Emily and wants to know how serious Dylan is with her. Dylan reminds him about the last time Brandon asked about a girl and how Dylan warned that if he did it again, he could pummel Brandon. Brandon asks if Dylan slept with her. He says no. Then Brandon gives Dylan a free shot and Dylan says not worth it. That’s worse than being punched in the gut.

Meanwhile, Guy who shoots himself is showing DJDave firecrackers that DJDave is not impressed with. Then, and this is what I’ve been waiting for, Guy who shoots himself shows DJDave a huge gun that his grandfather gave him. Nice. Now shoot yourself. DJDave gets nervous when the gun is loaded and says he’s not amused. Guy who shoots himself insists that it’s fun but DJDave leaves.

BigJim arrives at the Walsh house during the barbeque with some food. Emily Valentine has shown up and Kelly points out that all her boyfriends are here. Brenda and Emily bicker. Dylan admonishes Brenda but Brenda says it’s between her and Emily. Then Emily says that it’s like Knots Landing. Yes, another popular teenage reference. She tells Brenda to grow up because she should know what it’s like to be the new kid in school. All she wants to do is make friends, and she does that by making out with lots of people. Emily leaves and all the guys are pissed off. Way to kill a party, Brenda. Again, all your fault.

Mrs. Cleaver yells at Brenda after the barbeque. Brenda explains that Emily is going out with Brandon and Dylan. Mrs. Cleaver calls her friendly. Brenda is upset that Dylan is dating Emily because she doesn’t love him while Brenda misses him so much. Mrs. Cleaver suggests that Brenda should be with Dylan and that Big Jim would want her to be happy.

Brenda comes into Brandon’s room and asks him not to hate her. He says that he doesn’t. She says good night. He sighs. A missed opportunity to take advantage. Brandon is losing his game.

At West Bev, DJDave is setting up for Hello Day. Kelly, DumbDonna, and Brenda are in tight black dresses and red lipstick and Emily isn’t showing up. Kelly then tells Brenda that she’s awful and needs to apologize and beg Emily to do the show. She finds Emily at the lockers and Emily is all mean. Brenda apologizes. Emily says that she liked Brenda and Brenda turned that on her. Emily says she doesn’t sleep around and she’s a virgin and she’s on the pill as preparation for sex. Brenda tells her to hang out with Kelly and DumbDonna and Emily doesn’t want to be the fourth musketeer.

That convinced Emily who shows up on stage to sing with Kelly, DumbDonna, and Brenda as backup singers. They sing Breaking Up Is Hard To Do. The backup track is obviously lip synched with other voices. Then Emily’s singing is lip synched but I think it’s still her voice. The crowd loves it. Brandon says that Emily is talented and Hideous Andrea kind of agrees. They hug and Hideous Andrea prays that she will see Brandon naked soon. Guy who shoots himself finds DJDave and says the show is great. He apologizes for the rifle. DJDave says that Guy who shoots himself changed this summer. DJDave says he changed too and Guy who shoots himself isn’t a geek. DJDave says he’ll call him next week and tells him to cool it with the guns. Foreshadowing! I can’t wait.

Emily is still horribly singing. Dylan is grinning in the audience but who is he grinning at? Hmmm. Afterwards, the four girls are best friends again and are gleaming about the show. Kelly and DumbDonna leave. Dylan shows up while Brenda and Emily are in the hallway alone. Emily says that Dylan is a hell of a guy and not to throw away whatever they’ve got. Then Brenda walks up to Dylan as Emily watches and smiles.

That night, Wicked Game is playing again as Dylan and Brenda sit on the bluff where everyone goes to make out. She wants to start over but he doesn’t know where from. She says that she got scared and needed time to think but now she knows that she missed him and needed him and they have more than just physical. He says that he’s not there for just physical but he loves her. She loves him too. They mack it. He says that nothing happened with him and Emily and she says it’s none of her business. She apologizes for everything she put him through and he says it was worth it now that she’s here. They mack it. She says that she missed this and he did too. And, say it with me, they mack it. Aww, together again.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 12:18:35 GMT

If Brandon Dies, It's Brenda's Fault: Beverly Hills, 90210 "Camping Trip"

Highlights: Steve loves beer and acts like a dad; Brandon still has a mancrush on Dylan; Dylan still has a crush on Brenda; Brenda gets blamed for everything; Andrea? Still hideous

Here’s the thing. Some of this may not make sense because I’m recappin from DVD and some of the DVDs are not cooperating with my DVD player. So I may have missed some stuff. I’m pretty sure that Dylan should not be camping with cracked ribs but that may be out of sequence. Then again, with this show, that may be exactly what they have going on. Or they just forgot that Dylan cracked his ribs. Or maybe Dylan’s ribs miraculously healed. Wasn’t he supposed to be headed for Hawaii to see his mom? Anyway, let’s get on with it.

The Walsh twins are packing, Brenda reprimanding Brandon for having too much stuff. She’s packing his toothbrush. Why can’t he do that on his own? Oh, because he’s too busy finding his lucky hat. Now he has a lucky hat? He’s never had one before. It’s a Rat Pack fedora and I love those hats and I love it on him because it covers up the hair. Brenda likens it to a beaver.

Kelly comes into Brandon’s bedroom to ask him to talk to Steve. Steve is downstairs unpacking DumbDonna’s things because she has too much stuff. Brandon goes downstairs while Kelly and Brenda talk bad about Steve. Then Kelly tells Brenda that because CokedUpJackie and Dr. Silver are now dating, the gang has to take DJDave along with them. Then Brenda says that Dylan’s not coming because his mom is back from Hawaii.

Downstairs, Steve is scolding DumbDonna—no one takes shoulder pads on a camping trip! He’s almost right. No one takes shoulder pads ANYWHERE. Then again, this was the mid-90s; I guess people were still sportin shoulder pads. Not that Steve is the authority on fashion with those belly shirts of his. Brandon breaks up their fight by smothering DumbDonna with a hug and a big wet kiss on her cheek. She’s too dumb to realize how gross that it.

Then Dylan shows up out of nowhere with a sleeping bag. Is he coming?!?!? No, just dropping off a sleeping bag. He walks away and Brandon chases him down to try to convince him to come along because who else is Brandon gonna get all Brokeback Mountain on if Dylan isn’t there? Dylan explains that he can’t go because his mom read his stars and planets and they aren’t aligned. He’s sick of the cosmic mumbo jumbo and Brandon says some Spanish words and squeezes Dylan’s shoulder. That’s convincing enough for Dylan to change his mind. Brandon skips over to Steve and gleefully tells him that Dylan’s coming along. Steve acts 49 and says that he now has to rearrange bags.

Upstairs, Mrs. Cleaver is giving Brenda a list of rules for camping including to make sure the boys stay on top of her. Ha. While hiking. Double ha. That’s comedy. And sexist comedy at that. Then Brenda says Dylan’s not coming and Brandon comes in to say that he is and they all want Dylan to be naked.

Steve is outside still complaining. Brenda is taking too long and now they’ll hit traffic. Of course it’s all Brenda’s fault. Maybe if Brandon had packed his own toothbrush instead of looking for his stupid hat, Brenda wouldn’t still be upstairs packing her own crap. Since when did Steve become the ornery dad? Dylan goes to get her.

Awwww. Now I just got all gushy-giggly. Dylan in his white tee and blue jeans sidles up into the doorway and smiles a little while watching Brenda zip up her bag. And I’m all mush right now. Awwww. He offers to help her smoosh her bag closed. He says that he shouldn’t be going and she says that he has to go because she just repacked the whole bag for him. Oh yeah—that’s the other reason she’s holding everyone up. She’s packing more of Brandon’s clothes for Dylan to wear so he’s not naked. Her fault of course. He asks if she’ll feel weird with him there and she says that the trip is completely platonic. He says that she and her brother are like twins or something. Comedy. As they leave the room, we see that Brandon’s lucky hat has been left on the floor—no room in the bag for it. Dun dun DUN.

Once everyone is outside, Brandon gives them a pep talk about a righteous journey they’re going to take. Why is Hideous Andrea there? Where did she come from? They all gather round in a huddle and cheer. Then DJDave sings 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall as they pull away in their huge ugly van. Kelly makes DJDave stop singing and Steve sings instead Yosemite Here We Come which everyone joins in for. What the heck song is that and why does everyone know the words? I’m annoyed already and they’re just showing the opening credits now.

THUNDER! LIGHTNING! POURING RAIN! This is what happens when Brandon’s hat gets left behind. Then the sound editors—love the sound editors—play a synthesized version of the first few notes of that dueling banjos song a la Deliverance. The gagn stands under an awning, disheveled and unhappy and bickering. Now Kelly blames Steve for not believing the weather report. Steve blames Brandon for having to stop and change tires for some other people on the way that now they’re stuck because the highway patrol closed the road. Brandon gives another annoying pep talk and reminds them that they’re on vacation.

Brenda and Dylan tell the gang that there’s a cabin left where they’ve stopped. The cabin has a leaky roof and there are pots everywhere collecting water. DJDave is video taping everything. Then he complains that there aren’t enough beds. Brenda and Dylan gaze at each other longingly. So much for platonic camping. The floor is wet, there’s no hot water, the toilet seat has splinters, and omigod omigod omigod yells Hideous Andrea as she leaps on top of the toilet—there are spiders. Wow—here, Andrea actually does look pretty hideous. Rain and big glasses and frizzy hair and a bright red rain jacket. Yup, that’s not attractive. Brenda kills the spider and says she feels the same about rodents. Then omigod says Brenda—she found an empty mousetrap with nibbled cheese.

Brandon continues to be all upbeat and happy and gung ho. He says he’s going to get dry firewood. Then he asks Brenda where his boots are—she says by her bed. At home. Hahahhahahahaaaaa! Then he reams her out for leaving his perfectly broken in boots by her bed at home. Because he doesn’t have two hands and can’t pack them himself. Dylan asks Steve if they’re having fun yet. Oh, more comedy. Heehee.

A little bit later, the girls unpack the food which is all wet. DJDave complains that no one brought a CD player. What’s wrong with these guys? If you want to bring something on the trip, then pack it yourself. Jeez. DumbDonna is pleased that she brought her walkman and Steve calls her stupid.

Then Steve plans on going for a beer run and asks Dylan to come with. Brenda jumps all over Steve for tempting Dylan to drink. Dylan says, excuse me but I can answer for myself, in a very raspy cold voice and then they share a look of sorrow and passion like no other. Flute music plays as Dylan says, not this time man. Oh, I love it when he makes good choices. DJDave decides to go and Kelly calls them Mutt And Jeff which is a reference no teenager would ever know ever.

DumbDonna wants to go too and everyone is surprised. She says there’s something she needs to get and none of the guys understand so she says, A feminine product okay?, and they all look away ashamed and uncomfortable.

As they leave, Brandon says that they should try to get him hiking boots too. Brenda and Brandon bicker some more about the stupid boots and the packing. Then Brenda asks how she was supposed to fit all the extra stuff in there for Dylan. Dylan calls himself a cosmic jinx and then slams a door but I have no idea where that door leads and I’m not sure if he knows either.

Oh, it goes outside. He’s running away and Brenda chases him out. Now it’s not raining. When did that happen? Anyway, Brenda says that they all need to mellow out and Dylan shouldn’t try to be the death of the party. At the soda machine, they meet a woman who is on her honeymoon there. The husband comes out with her coat and they get all mushy. This is so horribly unentertaining and stupid.

Steve leaves the convenience store in a huff since he couldn’t get beer. At least DumbDonna got her tampons. He sees some old people and asks them to buy beer.

At the cabin, Brenda and Kelly are playing Go Fish. Hideous Andrea is instructing Brandon about building a fire. The two of them bicker about Brandon’s fire building ability and I just realized that I own the same pair of glasses that Hideous Andrea is wearing. I don’t wear them anymore but I used to. That makes me feel real good. Dylan suggests that the firestarter go get dry wood from the newlyweds next door. Brandon makes an awkward lunge movement towards Dylan and then tells Hideous Andrea to come with him to get wood. Brenda says they can’t barge in on newlyweds and Brandon complains about hypothermia.

Brandon and Hideous Andrea show up at the newlywed cabin and ask for the firewood. The husband doesn’t want them to come in but the wife invites them in for a toast and hot chocolate. Their cabin is warm and not leaky. The husband is annoyed.

At the store, the old couple runs out and gets into their car. DJDave sees them but Steve doesn’t believe it until the store closes and they run away and it’s too late for beer.

The husband and wife tell Brandon and Hideous Andrea about how they met and how they’re sure their marriage will last. They snuggle on the couch and the husband wants to make porn. Brandon pulls Hideous Andrea towards the door because Andrea wanted to watch because she’s never seen a penis before.

In the gang’s cabin, they have a fire started. Steve can’t wait until he’s 21 because he likes beer. Brenda says she’s not in a rush to grow up. Then they all complain about being too young to do anything—clubs, bars, beer. Of course, Hideous Andrea brings up voting like Brian did in The Breakfast Club but then Kelly says that parents don’t vote anyway. Well, parents who are all coked up probably don’t. Brandon says his parents vote and then they tell him that his parents are different—Jim is important and Cindy is from the 50s.

Steve suggests that the Walsh parents know the meaning of life and Dylan calls him cosmic Steve. I think the writers have a quota to fill—how many times can they use cosmic in one episode. Steve has no idea what the meaning of life is. Kelly says that the meaning of life is love. Hideous Andrea agrees. So it must be true because she wears glasses. But Hideous Andrea talking about love is a farce because who could love her because she’s so hideous. Dylan says that love doesn’t buy you dinner and it confuses people so you have to fight for food. Brenda is upset by Dylan’s outlook on love and explains that finding someone you love would be a lucky thing in life.

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door. It’s Alison—the wife. She’s crying into her cup of cocoa. She asks if there’s room for one more at their cabin because her husband—Neil—is an idiot. Proving the girls’ point that love is the answer to all.

Alison wants to get divorced because Neil is a fool. She says that the bastard got her pregnant but the bastard doesn’t know. She found out a week ago and was going to tell him tonight but he just said that he doesn’t want kids. Neil arrives at the cabin and Brandon for who knows what reason does a very bad Ricky Ricardo impression. Shut up, Brandon. Alison runs to the bathroom. Neil explains that Alison blew up on him for no reason. Steve tells him not to beg for forgiveness and all the guys agree. DJDave is videotaping it all.

Neil and Alison talk it out in front of the gang while Brenda and Dylan keep sharing glances of love and desperation. Gag me. Neil asks her if it’s that time of the month and Alison runs back to the bathroom. Hideous Andrea tells him to give Alison some time and he complains that he’s getting marriage advice from teenagers. Kelly points out the ageism again and then they all say that they’ve been through divorces and trial separations. Neil doesn’t want a divorce.

Kelly, Steve, and Dylan tell everyone about their parents being divorced and how it caused mental anguish on them as children. DJDave then says that his dad became a jerk and he’s not mental over it. Neil then says that he has no kids and doesn’t plan on having any. Alison who came out of the bathroom already hears him and yells at him again. Neil loves his nieces and nephews. Alison calls him a bad father to be. Then Neil realizes that she’s pregnant and THUNDER! Heehee. Sound editors. Neil though that she couldn’t get pregnant. Dylan shouts and leaves for no apparent reason. They call him antisocial and Brenda follows him because that’s what she always does.

Brenda finds Dylan in the honeymoon cabin. Dylan complains about marriage and love and says that Brenda would never understand anything ever. He says that his mom is a looney tune and his dad is in jail. Brenda says she can’t imagine how it feels, proving Dylan’s point. She tells him to look on the bright side of life. First thing she says: Brandon loves you. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yes, he certainly does. She says that every girl would love to go out with him. Dylan answers, Every girl…but one. She wants him to accept that she cares about him but he’s having none of it. The newlyweds show up all happy and now that they have a fetus, they may as well have a baby. Neil and Dylan then get into a fight about babies asking to be born and giving children away and Dylan was a mistake and tells Alison to have an abortion. Then he storms out. He must really love slamming doors.

The gang is getting ready for bed when Brenda arrives. Brandon immediately asks where Dylan is because he needs a sleeping buddy. Dylan is walking around in the woods, hugging himself and shivering. Uh-oh. Those electric guitars are playing again. Something’s up. And there it is, folks! Dylan’s got a mini bottle of schnapps or something of the alcoholic persuasion and he downs it in a minute. Possibly to dull the pain of living his whole life thinking that he was a mistake but also it may warm him up a little. He hugs the empty bottle to his lips and then tucks it in his pocket for safe keeping.

In the morning, Brandon goes down to the van to wake Dylan up but Dylan’s not there. Brandon hikes around to a rock and finds Dylan leaning there. Dylan hands Brandon two empty bottles and Brandon says, Drink drink. Idiot. Dylan says that he puked so it’s okay. Brandon says that he was clean for so long and Dylan calls himself a failure. Brandon thinks that chirping birds and the sun will make it all better. Dylan says he feels okay. Brandon congratulates him on battling his demons and winning and tells Dylan to stop beating himself up. Wow—Brandon should be a therapist. Oh! AND the reverse mollet is back!! I’m kinda happy Brenda left the stupid hat at home.

Brandon then talks to Dylan about how cosmic looney tune mom let Dylan down and how Dylan should talk about it. Dylan says that it’s an old story and shouldn’t have let his guard down. Feelings. Nothing more than feelings. Blah blah blah. Parents. Responsibility. Expectation. Brandon then says, You’re standing next to me and we should take advantage of the situation. Bow chicka bow wow. He wants to hike through the righteously beautiful countryside. And then they’re gonna do it in the middle of the woods. Sigh, young love.

Inside the cabin, DJDave is recording everyone waking up. They all yell at DJDave. Steve is blowing his nose loudly. They don’t have any food and they’re all grumpy. Then Hideous Andrea opens the door and the sun makes it all better. She asks where Brandon is because she thinks she still has a shot with him.

Meanwhile, Brandon and Dylan are walking towards the water on some big rocks. Seriously, this looks like the beginning of a porno. Dylan squeezes Brandon’s shoulder. They walk along a log and some rocks and Brandon slips and hurts his ankle. Dylan gets concerns and wants to lick Brandon’s wounds but Brandon says that he’s okay and only wishes he had his hiking boots. Brenda’s fault.

They then climb up a huge hill and more rocks and take in the view. Very pretty. This takes forever. For. Ev. Er. They finally make it up to the top and Brandon says that the future is now and they stand shoulder to shoulder and peer over the edge. Then, THEN, and this is the most AWESOME thing in the world, the rock that Brandon’s standing on gives way and he falls and slides down the edge of the cliff. Dylan yells BRANDON and dives for him. Oh jeez this just keeps getting better. Brandon’s face is now all black and dusty but it’s the kind of black that looks like he’s been fixing a car, not sliding down a mountain. And he has a cut on the top of his forehead which could not possibly be there unless he summer saulted down.

Dylan is belly-down on a rock high above, screaming for Brandon to answer him. He also says, where you at? Nice. He barely gets near the edge himself. Brandon tells him to get away and then loses a shoe. Dylan tells Brandon to at least try to grab his hand and not to look down. Then Dylan points to his own eyes and tells Brandon to look there and stretch dammit. Is it wrong that I’m rooting for Brandon to fall? He doesn’t though. Dylan pulls him up with one arm. Again, this is taking way too long. Finally, they both crawl up to solid ground and sit on a boulder that’s again right on the edge of the cliff. Maybe the whole thing will go down. Brandon thanks Dylan and puts his arm around him. Dylan calls him filthy; well, incest is a filthy thing. They hug it out.

The gang is gathered outside, worried about Brandon and Dylan. Brenda and Hideous Andrea checked with the main office and no calls have come in. They did find out that there were rock slides in the area because of the rain but DumbDonna insists that they’re fine. Oh, yeah, it was pouring torrentially the day and night before yet the ground was completely dry when the boys went hiking. And the picnic table that the gang is sitting on now that’s not under any shelter is completely dry. This is the dumbest show ever.

As DJDave complains of malnutrition, Dylan and Brandon arrive in the van and Steve is pleased that the van isn’t scratched. Umm, why did they take the van in the first place? Couldn’t they walk if they were hiking? Anyway, they ask Brandon if he was in an accident and he says they were hanging out. Brenda says that he lost a shoe. Brandon says he has a foot and Dylan points out two feet and they both say two arms and a head. Because this is somehow funny. Then Brandon suggests that they all get out of there.

Brenda and Dylan make up and agree to forget about last night. Brenda says that she knew Dylan would be okay because Brandon was with him. He say, yeah, but we all know how ironic that is since Dylan saved Brandon from falling off the cliff.

Then Dylan finds the newlyweds to remind them about that abortion she should get. Oh, actually, he apologizes. They tell him not to apologize and thank him for giving them a lot to think about. So thank you, Dylan, for suggesting I abort my fetus.

Steve is still packing up and DJDave is still complaining about being hungry. Hideous Andrea finds Brandon leaning under a tree. She asks if he’s okay and he hugs her and picks her up. Hideous Andrea once again thinks she’s getting closer to seeing his penis. Then the gang gathers in a huddle and cheers one more time for journeys and road trips.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 15:36:13 GMT

For The Love Of Dylan: Beverly Hills, 90201: "Summer Storm"

Highlights: Dylan cracks a rib and weeps and broods; DJDave and DumbDonna are bad actors; Brenda gets in trouble for kissing boys; Kelly turns boys gay, Steve being one of those boys; oh, and Andrea is hideous

Going back in time a little here to recap the skipped episode….and oh, how happy I am to do so. We begin with the very important Big Jim searching for his very important blue shirt. Brenda says she wore it to the beach the other day and Brandon says that there’s nothing like a girl in a man’s shirt. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Incest, I’ve missed you.

Lucky for Brandon, a news report comes on the tv about Dylan’s dad so no one notices him hitting on his sister. Mr. McKay has been indicted for income tax evasion and Big Jim rants about how Mr. McKay is guilty and how he’s happy Brenda isn’t with Dylan. Then Brenda says that Mr. McKay is innocent until proven guilty.

The phone over at Dylan’s house rings and he lets the machine get it and I kinda wish I didn’t hear his outgoing message that says “beeparooney.” I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear it so I can focus on the brooding Dylan lying on his side, head propped up by hand, sigh. Brenda leaves a message telling him to pick up and he doesn’t. He stares at the phone and broods.

At the beach club, there are lots of waves and some small craft advisories. Brandon rushes around with a tray of drinks until he sees his buddy, Dylan. Brandon wants to hang later and Dylan says not to worry about him or his father. Surfs up! Or is it surf’s up? I dunno.

CokedUp Jackie and Kelly are fighting over how much suntan lotion they need to use. They check out cute boys who are playing volleyball. Most of them are too old for Kelly and too young for CokedUp Jackie. Kelly swoons over Kyle Conner, a built guy who CokedUp Jackie finds attractive too.

Dylan, meanwhile, is talking to a long-haired surfer dude who says the word “looney.” I see a theme developing.

Hideous Andrea meets up with Brenda in the West Beverly hallways and asks about Dylan. Brenda says that if Dylan wants to talk to her, he can call her. She storms away, leaving Andrea looking all hideous and alone. Come on, Brenda, give the gal a break. She doesn’t understand these things.

In acting class, the instructor talks about Shakespeare and mispronounces Andrea’s name a few times. Then Dumb Donna gets an answer right! The instructor makes Donna into Juliet and DJ David Gung Ho Silver into Romeo. This should be fun.

Meanwhile, at the beach, Kelly stares at Kyle. He comes over when his ball rolls by her. She won’t give it back until he promises her private lessons. Steve is all grumpy and tan.

Mrs. Cleaver is scrubbing a pan at home and tells Brenda and Hideous Andrea that she was in a Shakespearean play once. Andrea laughs as Mrs. Cleaver does her Lady Macbeth impression but Brenda doesn’t laugh because she’s not a geek like Andrea is. I’m a geek and I don’t find it funny. The phone rings and Brenda is all upset and Brandon’s not there to answer the phone. She hangs up and reveals that Dylan got hurt surfing and is in the hospital. All the women rush out.

Only Brenda walks into the emergency room; I have no idea where the other two went. Brenda wakes up Dylan, who is lying in the hospital bed in the ER bandaged up but not looking hurt at all. She explains that the paramedics called their house when they found Brandon’s contact info in Dylan’s car. Now Brenda is jealous and thinks that he and Brandon have a thing going on. Not really. But that would be cool. Dylan smiles and says it was awesome but she says he’s lucky to be alive. He calls her an angel and she’s upset that he didn’t answer the phone. His dad’s lawyers were there earlier to give the hospital permission to treat him and he says he needs her and he doesn’t want her to leave. She leaves though. He calls out, Brenda! But she’s gone. So he must go back to sighing and brooding one more time. Only this time, he has his shirt off!

In the hallway, Mrs. Cleaver explains that Dylan has a concussion and cracked ribs and she’s going to take him home with them. Brenda snaps that they broke up. Mrs. Cleaver explains that since Dylan is Brandon’s friend, Brenda’s feelings don’t count. They’re going to take Dylan home. Perhaps adopt him and maybe even kick Brenda out.

Mrs. Cleaver and Brenda continue their bickering at home when Brenda refuses to play nurse to Dylan. Mrs. Cleaver is appalled that Brenda doesn’t want to help and Brenda exclaims, First you tell me not to sleep with him and then you tuck him in the next bedroom. Okay, she almost has a point but there’s a wider gap between sleeping with someone and helping him because he has a concussion than what Brenda thinks. Brenda leaves the house in a huff.

Upstairs, Dylan apologizes to Brandon for taking over his room. Brandon doesn’t mind. Of course not. It’s dark. It’s romantic. Bow chicka bow bow. Dylan explains that he made a stupid mistake surfing and that’s how it all happened. Mrs. Cleaver brings dinner upstairs. Dylan asks where Brenda is and Mrs. Cleaver said she left. They all talk about Brenda behind her back and laugh evilly. Dylan says it’s nice to have a family take care of him and thanks her. Dylan then tells Brandon that his dad is not cool.

Speaking of. Big Jim and Mrs. Cleaver bicker on the phone about Dylan staying over. He tells Mrs. Cleaver to lock his door. He wants to protect his daughter and wants Dylan to go to Hawaii to be with his own mom.

Brandon finds Brenda in her bed and tells her that she should talk to Dylan. He says that Dylan is right and Brenda is stubborn.

So Brenda goes into the other room to yell at Dylan for calling her stubborn. She says she needs time away and he says that she’s the only person who can help him. She says no and he tells her that he doesn’t want to beg. Suddenly, she’s on the bed and they’re mackin it. That’s awesome. The two people Brandon is in love with are making out on Brandon’s bed. Heeheee! She pulls away and says she can’t. Can’t what? Do this! And she storms out. He rubs his ribs and says ow but I don’t think that’s the only thing hurting.

Then, and this is so awesome, there’s a montage of intercuts between the two of them in their own beds, tossing and turning in the dark. There’s some weird 80s song playing with the lyrics “I don’t get much sleep” and they continue tossing and turning. THIS is what drama is! THIS is what 90210 is all about dammit! Then, and this is even more awesome, they both coincidentally get up at the same time to go to the bathroom. They open the doors and then HELLO! They see each other and act all surprised about it.

Unfortunately, with the huge bandage around his midsection, Dylan looks like a 12 year old boy. They insist that the other go first and bicker a little. I don’t think I’d be able to pee knowing that someone was waiting for me to finish. They say good night to each other and Dylan undresses her with his eyes. She closes the door and collapses against it all horny.

The next day, Kyle is teaching Kelly how to play volleyball. Steve looks on in annoyance and Brandon says something about Kelly getting stuff she wants and Kyle having a girlfriend. Kelly hits the ball and it hurts her so Kyle massages it. Then he asks if she wants to get together for a date. Wait, I thought Kyle was gay. No one said it, but isn’t it obvious? Kelly skips away with glee and bumps into Steve who says that Kyle has a girlfriend. She doesn’t believe him. Neither do I because I’m pretty sure that if Kyle were in a relationship, it would be with a boy.

Brenda finishes giving her Shakespearean soliloquy at West Bev and the class erupts in applause. It actually wasn’t very good but this is high school and very fake anyway so let’s move on. The instructor says that DJDavid and Dumb Donna will do their scene the next day. They shift uncomfortably.

CokedUp Jackie is planning dinner for her and Kelly at the club. Kelly explains that she’s going out with Kyle. CokedUp Jackie needs practice of being sober and sexy all at once. She tells Kelly to be the social butterfly.

Also at the beach club, Dumb Donna and DJDave are practicing. Dumb Donna tells him that he sucks at acting. She quits and storms away. He says that parting is such sweet sorrow. He does suck at it.

Brenda arrives home and only Dylan and Oprah are there. She gets him a soda and a sandwich and an apple. She’s wearing some of the biggest pants I’ve ever seen. He also wants a blanket. Then asks for a book. Then he asks for one more thing—“you”—awwww, and for a second, when he says “you” I think he means me and I get all mushy and gushy. And then I remember that this is a television show and he’s talking to Brenda. Sigh. She climbs on top of his broken ribs and she says it’s been hard to stay away. Then they mack it.

Perfect. Timing. Big Jim comes home and yells important things. Brenda jumps off of Dylan, wacking him in the ribs, and they both try to explain. Big Jim yells that Dylan is taking advantage of his hospitality by taking advantage of his daughter. Then he storms away and Brenda says that it’s not like that at all. Too late. Big Jim is too important to listen.

Later on, Big Jim and Mrs. Cleaver bicker about Brenda and Dylan. Just kissing! Overreacting! We were older! Only a few more days and then he leaves! Dylan and Brenda overhear the fighting and Brenda apologizes. He says that it’s not her fault. But it is her fault. Because everything is her fault.

Kelly is on her date with Kyle at the beach at night. He says that she’s pretty. She asks if he has a girlfriend and he says they broke up because it was too serious. Then she runs into the water naked and Kyle gets mad about it. He tells her she’s going to freeze. Then she kisses him. His face is full of pain and disgust. He says he’s not into this and she’s coming on too strong. She says that Steve was right and he’s playing mind games and she feels like a fool. He apologizes and she wants to go home.

The next morning, Dylan creeps into Brenda’s room and leaves a note by her phone. He covers her with a blanket, stares at her a while, kisses his hand and touches her cheek, and leaves. When the sun comes out, Brenda awakes to find the note.

Brenda comes downstairs and explains to the Walsh parents that Dylan left. She calls Big Jim a jerk and storms out to find Dylan.

Oh. My. God. Remember when I said I thought Kyle was gay? Scratch that. Kyle is running on the beach in long white pants and a green tank. Steve comes running up next to him to talk about Kelly. Steve is wearing short shorts and a belly shirt. Yeah. Okay then. Maybe they’re both gay. Kyle says that they had a good time and Kyle says they’re not a couple. Steve doesn’t understand why nothing happened.

DJDave finds Dumb Donna at the club to talk her into doing the scene. He has an idea but wants her to apologize and admit to being a bad actress. She does so DJDave takes her away.

Brenda still can’t find Dylan. Now Brandon is in the kitchen with her and Mrs. Walsh. He’s staring off into space from the shadows of the room. He’s upset. His would-be lover is gone. Mrs. Cleaver explains that she found out that the morning of Dylan’s accident, he was supposed to be on a plane to Hawaii to see his mom. No one has heard from him. Perhaps this was a surfing suicide attempt.

The surf is troublesome. The winds are strong and quick. Debris flies around the beach club at night. From the shadows, with guitar solo underscore, Dylan emerges and picks a lock to go inside a cabana. He crashes on the couch with his lighter on high flame. He stares at the fire as REM plays on and on. Flashback to a child sitting on the floor and rolling a truck around. Then a father calls and the boy runs into the surf. They frolic and play. The father promises to always be there and never let him fall. Those words echo over and over as Dylan curls up in the fetal position and sniffles into the crook of his arm. Man, I don’t think I can watch any more. Nothing can top the drama that I’ve just seen.

Yet, I continue to watch. I can’t stop. Brandon finds Dylan crashed on the couch the next morning. He says that someone will call the cops if they find him. Dylan shows Brandon a closet that reveals that this cabana was Dylan’s when he was a lad. Hence the flashbacks. Dylan doesn’t want to see his mom and calls her a flake. Brandon doesn’t understand because he has a great mom. They meet up with Kyle who is all pumped for his game. He finds Kelly who doesn’t want to talk about the date and he tells her that it’s not her. She asks if she’s his type and he doesn’t know. I know, though. His type involves a penis and I don’t think she has one. He asks her to play in their game.

Big Jim reprimands Brenda in the Walsh kitchen about how to load a dish washer. He says that there’s right and wrong. She says that there’s also the Walsh way which kicks people out on the street when they’re injured. She cries and screams that she needs to help him and he hugs her, promising that they’ll all take care of him. He says that she needs to understand that he can’t believe his little girl is pregnant. She says she’s not either of those and they hug it out more.

Back at the beach, Steve hits Kelly with a ball. He says that if Kelly can’t take it, she can’t play. Then Kyle heads under the net, makes a beeline for Steve, and tackles him about the waist. He yells at Steve for being jerky, all while lying on top of him. Bow chicka bow wow. Steve grumbles to Kyle to get off of him and makes fun of him for not making it with Kelly Taylor. So then Kelly says she was with Kyle and he was wonderful.

And now it’s time for DJDave and DumbDonna’s version of Romeo and Juliet. For some reason, they have costumes and a curtain and a stage while Brenda had none of that. Oh, wait, I know the reason. She’s Brenda. Nuff said. So the curtains open and everyone laughs because DJDave is playing Juliet and DumbDonna is playing Romeo. They overact on purpose and DJDave is a dead ringer for Kirsty Alley. The scene is about a minute long. That was a lot of worrying for only a minute.

The instructor reprimands them for going for the easy laugh which is a cop out. He then says it was funny and entertaining. He tells them that they need to eventually do it again.

Kelly and Kyle are still talking about their stupid date from the other night. Jeez. Get over it. Now she doesn’t want an explanation and he wants to give her one. It’s something he’s never told anyone. He says he never slept with a girl and she says it’s not a big deal that he’s a virgin. He then says, “I’ve never slept with a girl before and I don’t know if I want to.” She asks if he’s gay and he says no and then he says he doesn’t know and he wishes he were attracted to her so he would be less confused. Then he wants her to keep it a secret because he trusts her. And that makes it all better for her. Now maybe they can stop talking about the stupid stupid date.

Over at the cabanas, Brandon runs up and jumps next to Dylan all happy and stuff. He tells him the good news—Big Jim wants Dylan back under the Walsh roof. Dylan says no way. Then Brandon says that Brenda would never ever forgive Big Jim if Dylan didn’t come home.

Brenda comes home all happy that Dylan’s car is outside. Mrs. Cleaver says that Dylan and Big Jim are talking in the living room and they’re taking it one meal at a time. Big Jim talks to Dylan about his criminal father and uses the words assets and provisions. Dylan again complains about his flaky mom so Big Jim offers a place for him to stay until he works things out. He apologizes for flipping out the other day because he’s been the only man in Brenda’s life until now. He’s forgetting about Brandon though.

Dylan asks why Big Jim always acts as if he’s not good enough. Big Jim admits to not being fair with him and no one would be good enough for his daughter. So Dylan says that girls look for guys that remind them of their fathers. Big Jim doesn’t want to admit that he has anything in common with Dylan. Then he tells Dylan to talk to his father.

Ooh, another dramatic moment—this time, with voiceover! Dylan wears a white undershirt and composes a letter to his father in a shadowy room upstairs. He talks about the promise his dad made at the cabana and that he used to believe him but no longer does. He still wants a father. He loves him.

Brenda creeps in and says good night. He says good night. She says sleep well. He gives her a half smile. And for a moment, I think he’s smiling at me.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 15:50:26 GMT

Taking A Beating: Beverly Hills, 90210 "Play It Again, David"

Highlights: Brandon's a big brother; Kelly's a wicked step-child; Brenda hallucinates and Dylan disappears

I suppose last episode, Donna and Brenda had a few days off from summer school so that they could go to the beach. Or the writers forgot about the storyline. In any case, the girls are back at West Bev with Andrea who’s complaining about having to make animal noises. The duck sound is the most embarrassing sound. She thinks it has something to do with her looks; no Andrea, ducks are cute. You are hideous.

Kelly shows up in a purple outfit that looks like it could belong to an MTV Grind dancer. She doesn’t understand how they can be in school in the summer. She takes Brenda to have lunch with her and her mom at the beach club. They give Andrea a ride and invite her for lunch. Instead, she has to talk to Brandon. Kelly says that her problem is that all she does is talk. Andrea says that it’s possible to just be friends with a guy.

Brenda and Kelly meet up with Coked Up Jackie who’s already eating. Kelly mentions a surfer burger which makes Brenda have hallucinations of Dylan running on the beach in nothing but trunks and then they roll around in the surf and kiss and miss each other and they’re all tan. Nice! Actually, it looks really uncomfortable. Still, Dylan’s almost naked so, Nice!

Meanwhile, Henry finds Brandon to tell him that his sister’s here as well as a friend. Andrea shows up and Brandon’s like, Hey, and she says that it’s important and he tells her she should swim. Right. She explains about this kid at the youth center who lost his big brother and she wants Brandon to hang out with him on an informal basis one afternoon a week. Brandon is intrigued because the kid skates. Andrea gives Brandon the kid’s address. He tells her to leave.

Coked Up Jackie breaks a tooth on a chicken and the third best oral surgeon in Los Angeles takes a look at Jackie’s mouth. He asks for crazy glue and then asks Coked Up Jackie out for dinner. They agree that it’s not ethical so Coked Up Jackie says yes to dinner. He introduces himself as Mel Silver and says that his son goes to school with her daughter. David. David Silver. Kelly has flashbacks to the heinous interaction and Mel calls David a ladies’ man. Kelly is appalled. I am so happy.

The next day, Kelly complains to Brenda on the phone about her mom and David’s dad. Brenda promises not to tell anyone. Brandon comes into the kitchen in short shorts and explains about the big brother thing. He arrives at the house and molests a cat on the stairs. Then the mother greets Brandon and he compliments their rinky dink apartment. She says she went to Beverly High. He says he goes to West Bev. He asks what happened to Felix’s dad—that’s the kid—and she says she hasn’t heard from him.

Felix is a very unhappy child. He says that everything sucks. The mom tells him to behave. He won’t. She tells Brandon he’s a good kid but difficult. Brandon isn’t scared. They go to the boardwalk and skate. Brandon yells out for Felix to be careful. So Felix knocks two women over. Instead of reprimanding him, Brandon asks him to slow down so he can keep up. Felix says that he’s not a charity case and he has friends. Brandon thought that he wanted someone older to hang out with. Oh, no, is pedophilia creeping in again? Felix asks him why he’s doing it and Brandon has nothing better to do.

Steve annoys Donna and Kelly at the beach club. He asks about Kelly’s mom banging Mel Silver. Donna says that just because David’s a geek doesn’t mean his dad is and that David isn’t that bad. Kelly complains that David is bragging about the date. That’s weird. DJ David Gung Ho Silver is way too long for me to write anymore. I’m shortening it to DJDave.

Meanwhile, Brandon buys lemonades with lots of ice for him and his new pal. He calls Andrea and leaves a message thanking her for dumping Felix on her. Felix hears Brandon complaining so he apologizes for being a pain. Brandon’s angry. Then he explains that he works at the beach club to look at pretty girls. Felix still wants Brandon to be his friend so he can watch Brandon work.

Mel Silver arrives at Kelly’s house and he asks her about the beach and hanging out with DJDave. Mel says that DJDave is a Kelly Fan and is a friend for life. Coked Up Jackie comes down glowing and loves the white tulips he brought. Coked Up Jackie tells Kelly to put them in water. Mel made reservations at her favorite restaurant. He says he’ll say hi to DJDave for her. Coked Up Jackie says not to wait up.

The next day, Felix helps Brandon hand out towels at the beach club. Henry asks who Felix is and then warns that Felix better not get in the way. Henry saw Felix steal a French fry. Brandon hangs out with a lot of thieves.

Brenda explains to Mrs. Cleaver about Kelly’s mom and David’s dad. Mrs. Cleaver says that love works itself out. Imaginary Dylan appears behind Brenda in the Walsh kitchen. He asks if things will work out between them. Because he wants more sex.

Brandon shows up with Felix. Mrs. Cleaver puts an apron on Felix and they all cook together. Brandon touches Felix on the shoulder and he jumps and throws the food all over the place. He apologizes a lot and Mrs. Cleaver tells Felix to call his mom. However, he makes a fake phone call and doesn’t talk to anyone.

The next day—how many friggin days are in one episode—DJDave finds Kelly to dish about their parents. He wants to be her step-brother. Man, Brandon’s wrong kind of love is wiping off on everyone. Kelly has a nightmare while she’s awake about DJDave’s friends going through her panty drawer. And Brenda’s hallucinations are rubbing off on Kelly.

Mel comes home with Coked Up Jackie and they make out. He wants to go out the next day and Coked Up Jackie’s going to hang out with Kelly. Mel invites them both out and he’s going to bring DJDave. That’ll be fun! He leaves and Kelly suggest that Coked Up Jackie stay single for a while. Coked Up Jackie says that the four of them are having dinner together. Kelly isn’t happy again.

The next day—day 32 in this episode—Felix comes to the beach club and orders stuff from the bar and tells the bartender that he’s Brandon’s little brother. Henry complains to Brandon and doesn’t want members to complain. Brandon finds Felix to tell him to go home. He suggests they skate around the next day instead.

DJDave videotapes Kelly telling him to get lost. Steve shows up in his regular ugly attire. He says something about California girls. Kelly asks how Steve can get along with DJDave and Steve says to humor him. He says that the dinner means that Coked Up Jackie and Mel are serious and will bring about a romantic declaration of love. Kelly wants to stop it and asks Steve for advice. He says to be mean and rude—a step-child from Hell.

At dinner, Kelly is rude. Mel is nice. Kelly is mean. Coked Up Jackie is nice and uncomfortable because of Kelly’s behavior. DJDave is uncomfortable. Kelly complains about DJDave’s videotape habit and Mel calls Kelly pretty and Kelly is mean. Coked Up Jackie reprimands Kelly. Mel suggests they start with drinks and Kelly flips out that he wants Coked Up Jackie to drink. Coked Up Jackie wants water and Kelly continues to berate Mel. Coked Up Jackie tells Kelly to shut up and they both leave the table. Kelly says that Coked Up Jackie has been married or drunk and wants time with Coked Up Jackie alone. Coked Up Jackie says she has a right to be happy and promises to spend time with Kelly who still doesn’t want to share her, especially not with DJDave. Kelly cries. Coked Up Jackie says she understands and then wants to continue dinner. And they do because it’s all okay now.

Brandon shows up at the beach club on his day off and Felix doesn’t show up. Henry asks if he has better things to do than get stood up by a pre-teen. Brandon says yes but he’s obviously lying. Brandon goes to find Felix. He yells at him. A lot. Then stops mid sentence when he sees a bruise on Felix’s face. Felix doesn’t want to say how he got it but Brandon says he’s trustworthy. So Felix says that his mom hit him because he was bad because he didn’t call her. Then Felix shows Brandon his back that has welts on it. Brandon promises that it will all be okay and gives him a hug which is a miracle cure.

Later on, Brandon hunts down Andrea at West Bev and tells her that Felix’s mom beats him. Andrea asks if he’s sure a zillion times and Brandon insists that Felix wouldn’t lie. Andrea says stuff about foster care and Brandon says he’s sorry. Andrea suggests they contact a social worker and Brandon wants to talk to his parents because they can fix anything.

Kelly tells Brenda about the dinner and Mrs. Walsh calls Kelly a nutcase. Dylan calls Brenda from Hawaii and Mrs. Cleaver yells out hi. He’s in a pool under waterfalls and says stuff about his other girlfriends and he says that he still. What? He still what? There’s all static and then they get disconnected. Big Jim is happy that the phone cut off.

Then Brandon comes in and Big Jim says he looks beat. Brandon says, “I’m not but I know someone who is.” Now that’s just awful. Do I have to keep watching? Jeez. Brandon tells them about Felix and the beatings. He asks if he reports it and Brenda says he has to and Brandon says stuff about foster care and Felix’s dad. He asks if Felix can stay with them. Big Jim and Mrs. Cleaver say no but Brenda says that they let Dylan stay so Felix should stay too. I see the logic in that. Brandon says that Felix made him promise not to tell. Well, there’s a good reason not to report abuse; a minor asks you not to tell.

At the beach club, Kelly and DJDave sit in an awkward silence. She wants to buy him a soda and she apologizes for being a bitch. He snaps at her that his parents’ divorce isn’t even final and he wishes that his dad liked his mom instead of Kelly’s mom. They talk about being kids of divorced parents and therapists. The subtle music of bonding plays under their reconciliation. How sweet. Kelly asks for a truce and DJDave does a very horrible impression of Humphrey Bogart and now I hate him because of it.

Brandon shows up at Felix’s house and Felix’s mom thanks Brandon for spending time with Felix. Brandon tells her that he knows she beats Felix. She tells him to get the hell out. Then Brandon gets the crazy eyes and yells about bruises. She says that she had too much to drink and hit him but it wasn’t hard and it won’t ever happen again. Brandon says she needs to get help from a free community social service. He then says that he talked to his parents which is the worst thing in the world. He goes to leave, threatening to call a social worker. That does the trick. She breaks down and cries and she’s all ashamed and she needs help because she’s not that kind of a mother.

Gregory Children’s Residence becomes the new home for Felix. Brandon shows up for a fun visit. Felix is pissed at Brandon because he told. Brandon explains that Felix’s mom is getting help and that he didn’t forget about Felix and they’re still friends. That makes it all better. Brandon calls Felix his brother and Felix thanks him and they go get lunch. Because Brandon thinks it’s okay to eat food that could be for the other orphans.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 14:51:02 GMT

Pawn Shop Dylan And The Beach Club Bandits: Beverly Hills, 90210 "Anaconda"

Highlights: Steve wears ugly clothes and plays poker; Henry is an ex-con; Brenda believes Dylan; Brandon broods; Dylan lives with the very important Big Jim

I know, I know. This episode is out of order. You can’t always get what you want. Suck it up. It doesn’t really matter anyway since most of the time, the events that happen in one episode barely ever affect the next. Like in Season 1 when they were taking French and Spanish and twelve other courses in one year. Yeah, that was fun.

Big Jim is important. He knows all about money. He has big leather chairs in his office. He knows about morals. But! Dun dun DUNNNNN!!!!! He’s preaching to Dylan who’s in one of those very important chairs. Big Jim is telling him to go to Hawaii to make up with his mother. Dylan’s voice is shaky as he laments about love and money. Big Jim says Dylan needs the money.

At the beach, Brandon is carting around dirty towels because he’s a cabana boy. Steve jumps in the cart of dirty used towels and wants Brandon to come to a poker game. Brandon points out all the different kinds of sweat that are on the towels and he wants to sanitize Steve. Maybe that’s a euphemism for “have sex with” but I’m not sure if Brandon has room in his heart for another crush.

Dylan saunters into the Walsh house and Mrs. Cleaver says something about him staying there. Okay, wait a minute. Apparently, the episode I skipped had some very important happenings in it. Dang that DVD player! Then again, maybe nothing happened last episode and the writers decided to make Dylan stay at the Walsh house without any explanation. Anyway, Dylan is now a resident at Chateau Minnesota. Mrs. Cleaver offers money to Dylan and he refuses it. AAWWWWWKKKKWWWAAARRRDDDDD.

Donna shows up and Brenda and she try to decide on a movie. Donna asks if Dylan will be her date. Brenda reminds her that they broke up but they invite him anyway. They ask him and he says he wants to hang around the house and read. Because now he’s poor. How’s it feel to be a poor Walsh now, Dylan? Was Botox around back then? Because Dylan’s middle-aged forehead wrinkles have suddenly disappeared.

Meanwhile, Brandon is sneaking around the club with Steve and some people from Beverly High and West Bev. Steve is rockin the white pants still only this time, he has a black belt on that’s up around his nipples. DJ David Gung Ho Silver is there too and won’t shut up about the stereo and he begs to play a song even though they’re sneaking around. They all play poker and I’m wondering if Brandon’s going to get a gambling addiction this episode that will go away by the end. Then comedy ensues as DJ David Gung Ho Silver works on his poker face! Comedy! I’m lovin it!

The very old man who graduated from West Bev a few years ago tells them about a few years ago when they had a twenty year poker game every summer always at night. He says that they used to dress like Vegas high rollers and play Sinatra to show respect to the cards. They used to have gorgeous chicks that sat with them and they played for real stakes. Steve, of course, is mesmerized. I have no idea what this guy is talking about and Brandon isn’t impressed. For once, we agree.

Brandon rolls in late at night and then Dylan, shirtless, pops his head up. Brandon apologizes, saying he wasn’t trying to wake him up. Yes he was. He was hoping Dylan would not only be shirtless, but would be completely naked. And he was hoping that Dylan would not be in the guest cot but would be in Brandon’s bed. And he was hoping that he could play In The Mood in the morning after finally consummating their torrent love for one another. Brandon gazes at the half naked Dylan in the dim light, asking if he was laying in the dark with his eyes closed, in a husky whisper. Bow chicka bow wow!

Dylan talks about Hawaii. Brandon talks about playing cards at the club. Dylan makes fun of Brandon for playing for small change. Then he talks about bungee jumping. Brandon asks if he has a death wish and Dylan says he likes excitement. He doesn’t gamble, though, because it’s a physical addiction and he’s already an alcoholic. He likes adrenaline and his wrinkles are back and now there are more on his neck. He’s still sexy. Brandon takes a cold shower and finds that there’s no shampoo left. Dylan used it all. Now that they’re living together, this is going to be a constant hair battle problem.

The next day, Henry asks Brandon if he noticed anyone around late last night because some of the members’ kids snuck in to play cards. Henry found poker chips and cheese doodles and says that if anyone falls, the club will be liable. Brandon lies and says he doesn’t know anything. Henry says he hates rich kids who think they own the world. Brandon’s look of guilt falls over his face.

Dylan, meanwhile, is trying to pawn stuff to an older woman who I’ve seen a zillion times before but can’t place her. She offers him 275 for a whole bunch of crap. She asks if he wants to keep a picture of his girlfriend and he says the picture is of his mother who isn’t dead but is in Hawaii. He has 90 days to take back his crap. He stares longingly at the guitar he gave to the pawn shop because it’s his most favorite item in the world although we’ve never really seen him singing or playing music or talking about how he’s a guitar player or big fan of rock.

Later on, Brenda tries to figure out the perfect angle to get a tan. Brandon yells at Steve about the poker game. Brandon turns down the chance to be with babes. Steve is slightly pink and begs Brandon to come to the game. Why does Steve have the worst clothes? He always wears those tank tops that are too big and his chest sticks out in the weirdest places. Then Brenda gives Donna suntan lotion and Donna asks what it’s like to live with Dylan in the same house because they have breakfast together and take showers. Brenda says that she and Dylan don’t talk because he’s moody and poor. He doesn’t even talk to Brandon. She still loves him and can’t help him and it’s like Dylan’s father isn’t the only one in jail. They all are. Because jail here means beach.

Brenda comes home after having fallen asleep in the sun and her back is completely burned. She screeches that she can’t go to a party now and Mrs. Cleaver wants to put a family remedy on her. Dylan tells her she got color and she snaps at him because he’s poor. Dylan sits on the couch with Big Jim who’s reading a paper and wearing a tie because he’s important. Big Jim says that Dylan can use the phone to call his mother.

Upstairs, Brandon is ironing a tie. Yes, the importance of being Big Jim is rubbing off on Brandon. He tells Dylan that he need the tie for the poker thing and Dylan says, Thanks for the invite, all brooding, and Brandon thought he had a problem with gambling. Dylan complains that the Walshes look out for his best interest. Brandon ignores him, all hurt.

Steve meows at the club. Being a cat is the secret password for the poker game. All the guys are dressed up in hats and ties and they’re smoking cigars and using fake accents to sound like they’re part of the Rat Pack. Brandon wants to know where the babes are and Brenda and Donna are insulted. He wants new, fresh babes. DJ David Gung Ho Silver won’t light his cigar. Steve wants to play Anaconda and the old alum of West Bev won’t play.

Deal me in! It’s Dylan! Not dressed up but with a wad of cash. They all play for high stakes. Limit is 50 bucks. Wow. That’s a whole lot for rich kids. Dylan is moody but doesn’t bluff. DJ David Gung Ho Silver refuses to fold under the pressure while Steve tries to get him to fold. Dylan keeps raising. DJDGHS keeps seeing. Steve gives Dylan money to stay in the game. The pot is 400 now. It’s tense! DJDGHS has an ace and four twos. Dylan’s reaction: Dammit, full boat and I take a dive; it’s been real! Translation: The writers have been hittin the sauce and can’t write a line that sounds as if it would actually come out of the mouth of a 17 year old. Dylan storms away and Brandon grabs him to see if he’s okay. Dylan says he wants to go into the sauna and take a drive. Brandon feels responsible and Dylan says he can take care of himself.

The next day, Henry asks Steve if he had a poker game at the club. Steve says he was with Brandon all night and they ask what’s wrong. Henry shows them that someone stole the television and the stereo and all the other expensive stuff in the room. Dun dun DUN! And you know who needs money now? Dylan. So you know who the prime suspect will be on Detective Walsh’s list? Dylan.

The police detective thinks that all the equipment has already been pawned. The thief was probably someone with access who knew the club. Brandon says that it cuts down the suspects. Henry wishes it were someone from the outside because the club might find out that he has an old police record and fire him. You see, when he was Brandon’s age, his friends robbed a house and he got blamed. Oh what a tangled web we weave. The office comes back and asks if she can see Henry privately. Steve laughs about it and Brandon yells at him for making him lie to Henry. Brandon follows after Henry to tell him about the poker thingie and Steve says not to blow it. Brandon tells the office he knows more than he let on.

Next thing you know, the older alum from West Bev is being questioned by the officer who gathers that he has a history of trespassing. Brenda says that she once stole gum from a supermarket. Steve asks, Do you know who my mom is? The officer doesn’t care. Steve explains that he locked the door. DJ David Gung Ho Silver pees in his pants. Donna says that she had a cigar and then threw up. The officer asks Brandon about Dylan. He says that Dylan lost a lot of money and that his dad is in jail and his mom is in Hawaii but Dylan wouldn’t steal because Brandon knows him too well. The officer thanks Brandon for being helpful. Yeah, helpful in making Dylan look like he’s guilty.

When Brandon goes home, Dylan’s on his bed. He slept in his car the night before so he could think. Brandon tells him about the fun trip to the police station and the robbery. Dylan takes a shower, not very impressed. Brandon tells Brenda that Dylan’s back. They find a ticket to Hawaii in his stuff that he bought in the morning. Brandon doesn’t understand how Dylan bought the ticket with no money. He puts two and two together and thinks Dylan is going to Hawaii with the money he got from pawning stolen club stuff. Brenda says that Dylan is their friend and not a robber.

The detective shows up at the Walsh house and asks Big Jim if the Porsche in the driveway is Dylan’s. Big Jim says it is and the detective says that a lot of electronic equipment is under a blanket in its backseat. You know, that just proves that he didn’t do it because he’s not dumb enough to hide it in a convertible under a blanket where people can see. She wants Dylan to go downtown for questioning. Why are police stations always downtown? Can’t they be uptown? Or in town? All the Walshes are stunned.

The entire Walsh family goes downtown to the police station because they are Dylan’s family. The twins fight about whether or not Dylan is guilty. An officer comes by and says Like father like son and Big Jim scolds the officer. Mrs. Cleaver is all impressed and wants to rip Big Jim’s important clothes off. Dylan comes out and thanks them for waiting for him. While they all hug, Brandon stands off to the side. His eyes meet Dylans’. They both brood. Oooooooooh.

Back at home, Brandon yells at Dylan who’s in the shower about the water shortage. Will the water shortage never end? That’s the 80^th time in two seasons that Brandon’s mentioned it. He continues to yell at Dylan, now about the shampoo. Dylan comes out of the bathroom in an old man robe and yells at Brandon. He wants to know what’s wrong. Brandon tells him that he found the pawn tickets. Dylan explains that he pawned his own stuff and that he had to pawn everything from his family storage locker including his grandfather’s watch. Brandon asks him about the ticket to Hawaii and Dylan says that his mom paid for it. Dylan isn’t the kind of guy who runs home to mom so he was ashamed to tell Brandon about it.

The next day, DJ David Gung Ho Silver wants to buy Donna a snack at the beach. Brenda sits under a big hat and a cover up so she won’t burn. I’m pretty sure this is comedy too.

Henry is watching his soaps and Brandon interrupts to ask if he still has a job. Henry says he’s both ticked and glad and Brandon can stick around because at this point, Henry doesn’t care either way. Henry then says that the beach club up the street got robbed too and it turns out that the Seashell Laundry Service was the thief. Now Brandon has to wash all the towels himself by hand down by the lake like they used to do in Minnesota.

Dylan comes to Brenda’s bedroom to say goodbye. They hug and he asks how her sunburn is. He thanks her for believing in him through the suspected robbery. They bash Brandon for suspecting Dylan. He tells Brenda to have a good time when he’s gone. She tells him that he should have a good time too and he thinks he will because he’ll be in Hawaii. He tells her to stay out of the sun and they hug one more time.

Then Dylan asks Brandon if he wants to check his luggage for stolen goods. Brandon gazes into Dylan’s eyes and then gives him a going away present. It’s shampoo. Then Dylan gives Brandon a gift—the same shampoo! Only Dylan put a ribbon on his. Aww. Lovebirds. All is well in the world of man love once again.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 21:47:41 GMT

How Much Brandon Must One Girl Take? Jeez!: Beverly Hills, 90210 "The Party Fish"

Highlights: Brandon smells fishy as does his relationship with a waitress, a sports writer, and Big Jim; Big Jim is poor; Dylan is wet; Brenda wears a coat in July

Of course, we start this episode with Brandon. Woe is Brandon. He’s burned out from the job. After one week. Big Jim admonishes him for being so downtrodden and then will not fall into Brandon’s trap of seduction when Brendan suggests Big Jim pay for half his car. Brandon goes to the beach club and carries around big beach umbrellas. These two rich guys get into a fight about a tennis match and Brandon helps them decide a hard point and the winner loves Brandon now. Then he makes Brandon tell a cynical waitress about the match. When the boss says the guy’s name, Brandon recognizes him as a sports writer. Brandon tells the guy that he knows his father and they’re all very merry and this couldn’t be more mind-numbing.

Dylan shows up in a wetsuit and he’s all wet and his pompadour is plastered down over his forehead which is a good look for him because it hides all the middle-aged wrinkles. Brandon sighs after the cynical waitress and then tells Dylan he’s sorry about Brenda. On the inside, Brandon is high fiving himself because he’s back in the running once more with both loves of his life. Dylan says that things happen and thinks that Big Jimbo must be happy—he calls him Big Jimbo. Hahaha.

In drama class, Mr. Chris hands Brenda a coat and makes her tell a story about being kidnapped on an escalator. Mr. Chris wants her to recreate the emotions through wet wool. She puts on the jacket. Then the gals get into the hallway and talk about how cold Minnesota is and Kelly says she wants to go to the beach. Brenda would rather work on her memories. DJ David Gung Ho Silver comes out of nowhere and talks about creation. He asks Kelly if he can go in her car to the beach and she hesitatingly agrees. Brenda asks what Andrea is going to do and Andrea says she’s going to avoid the beach like Brenda is going to do. They commiserate about how Brenda can’t handle seeing Dylan and about how Andrea is hideous and Brandon doesn’t talk about her when she’s not right in front of him.

Brandon and the cynical waitress talk about The Great Gatsby at the beach club. That’s the second time the writers have brought up that book. The cynical waitress asks Brandon how old he is. Brandon, who’s always smooth with the ladies, asks, How old do you want me to be? If he concentrates all his hormones on this chick, he’ll never have enough left over to get Brenda AND Dylan.

At home, Brenda chats on the phone about Mr. Chris’ acting class. Mrs. Cleaver and Big Jim tell her that they’re going to a party at the beach club. Brenda asks if Brandon knows she’s going and they ask Brenda to go but she says no. This is so dumb and pointless.

Back at the club, Brandon dances with some blonde and Mr. Thomas mockingly reprimands Brandon for dancing. Because he’s a horrible dancer. His parents show up along with the sport writer tennis guy. The sport writer guy wants Brandon to be a beach bum and thanks him again for the call in the tennis game earlier. The blonde storms away when Brandon says it’s a small world. She must have something against the It’s A Small World ride at Disney or something. Oh, wait. I think the blonde is the waitress out of uniform. I can’t tell. I don’t care really.

Steve, wearing a nylon jogging suit that 60 year olds wear on the Sopranos, greets the Walsh parents. He encourages them to join the club. Then he finds Brandon and tells him about the grunion run and Brandon doesn’t know what grunion are. Steve says everyone will be there and tells Brandon to invite Sandy. Who I think is the waitress. Brandon says that Sandy’s too old to want to run grunion.

He asks her anyway. She’s incredibly annoyed because she’s never seen grunion in all the years she’s tried to find them. Then she gets all upset because he didn’t introduce her to his parents. What the? This is friggin retarded. She says she’s not into people from Beverly Hills and he says that they’re from Minnesota. Can someone tell me what’s going on here? Did the writers stop drinking and start huffing paint chips? She says he goes to Beverly and he says West Beverly and then he brings up the grunion orgy again and she gets all mushy at the idea of fish laying eggs and makin babies. He warns her that his high school friends will be there. She wants to party. Because she’s a pedophile too.

The next day, Brenda complains to Brandon that he doesn’t put his clothes in the hamper and he explains that he got home late last night, invoking an air of mystery in the hopes to make her insatiably jealous. She’s having none of it and says he smells like fish. He says there were no fish, just like Sandy said. Trying the jealousy route. Brenda goes the disbelief route and asks, A girl named Sandy? He calls Sandy a woman. She asks how old Sandy is and he says she won’t say. She’s probably really old, like 24.

The twins come downstairs and ask Big Jim if he’s going to join the beach club. Brandon doesn’t understand why they won’t join if they had a great time. Mrs. Cleaver wants to spend that kind of money on college and Big Jim wants to keep his professional and social lives separate. Brandon uses the word sheeshee and Brenda tells Big Jim that he has no social life. The twins are pissed and Big Jim is important. Brandon storms out and heads to the beach club even though it’s his day off.

At the club, Brandon plays tennis with the sports writer. Then they talk about how Brandon doesn’t talk to his dad. The sports writer asks when Brandon’s going to go on vacation. Then Brandon complains more about Big Jim and sports writer guy criticizes Big Jim’s decision for not joining. He offers to talk to Big Jim and Brandon says he wants to do it himself. Sports writer guy asks about the car Brandon wants and Brandon stares at a blonde in a bikini. Sports writer guy says he has two cats and asks Sandy for a drink.

Brandon leaves to find Steve who insists that the grunion, the party fish, are running again. Then Brandon tells Sandy he has a limo to take her wherever she wants to go. Meaning a bicycle built for two. They drive onto the sand and sit on a lifeguard stand to talk about how Brandon’s going to make a zillion dollars as a cabana boy. Sandy says something about going to Kuwait and then realizes that she’ll never be rich. Brandon says she’s young and she says she wishes she met him five years ago. He says he was in sixth grade. He wants her to wait for the fish. She asks how old he is and then they kiss each other without him answering. Then they ride on the boardwalk on the bike. Dylan looks on with a scowl.

Dylan finds Brandon in the locker room and Brandon can’t control himself so he tries to rip off Dylan’s wetsuit. No, not really. Dylan tells Brandon that Sandy is not a girl for him to be with but can’t get into specifics. Brandon asks if this is Dylan’s way of saying he slept with her. Dylan says it’s his way of trying to avoid Brandon getting hurt. Brandon says it’s too bad Dylan didn’t think of that before getting Brenda to hop into his bed. Dylan says he’s been warned and saunters away. Brandon calls out, You broke her heart! and Dylan says that Brandon’s got it all wrong. Big time.

Brandon runs out of the locker room to find Sandy who is in tears and says she can’t make it to party with the fish. She won’t say why and she goes away. The sport writer guy finds Brandon and tells him that he wants to help him get a new car.

When Brandon tells his parents about the deal, they don’t like it. It would involve Brandon leaving the beach club and being a gofer for the sport guy. Brandon thinks the sport writer guy wants a son and Big Jim is annoyed that the sport writer guy is taking his son.

The next day, Brandon complains to Brenda that Big Jim is mad and he’s figured out that Big Jim doesn’t want him to have a car. Brenda, still wearing the wool coat, explains that it makes no sense that the sport writer would pay Brandon to do nothing. He asks why she’s wearing the coat in July.

Brandon finds Mrs. Cleaver who’s fixing flowers and finds out that Big Jim is gone. Brandon gets pissed that Big Jim puts him on a guilt trip and then disappears. Blah blah blah. Poor Brandon. So boring. No one cares. How did this show last for ten years? Seriously. Now sport writer guy feels bad for getting between Brandon and Big Jim and Brandon’s rockin the reverse mollet and he needs to make his own decisions.

God, how much more of Brandon do we need to see? He finds Sandy at the beach club. She complains about her head and money. She tells him he’s sweet and she’s heavy and he’s a teenager from Beverly Hills. No, he’s from Minnesota, remember? That’s the whole premise of the show. He snears.

Mommy? Mommy? Brenda’s going berserk in the living room while wearing the winter coat. Mommy? Mommy? Big Jim comes in and asks what she’s doing and she bawls on the couch because nothing works and she doesn’t know how to touch her emotions. He asks if she’s still working on the day she got lost. He says it was scary. She says bowling ball and escalator. He calls her cute on the escalators.

Steve eyes some fourteen year olds at the beach. Brandon admonishes him and says that his relationship with Sandy is like grunion. He and Steve find the sport writer guy. He wants Brandon to drive around a sporty car for the rest of the summer so that his corporation can lease it. Steve wants one too. Sport writer says to buckle up and then says dammit and hates to ask but pulls Brandon aside and asks Brandon to bring his wife back into town because she’s a drunkard.

Brandon drives the drunkard wife to town and oh my God I can’t do this any more. I can’t. I can’t take the bad acting. I can’t take the bad writing. I can’t. Basically, she asks Brandon if her husband is getting back together with his mistress Sandy. Shocker. That’s the personal stuff she’s been going through. That’s the detail Dylan didn’t want to get into. Brandon clenches his jaw and finds it hard to talk. Maybe he’ll drive off the road into a palm tree and get hit in the head with a coconut. That would be exciting.

Sandy arrives at the beach club in a fuschia dress. Brandon finds her and berates her for being a mistress. They agree that he doesn’t know her or about her or anything about her mirror. She says his mommy and daddy and Brandon says sugar daddy and sport writer guy emerges. Brandon drops the car keys on the ground and storms away. Because he’s cool like that.

Brandon comes home and finds Big Jim asleep in the living room, covered in work papers because Big Jim is important. He wears suspenders dammit! Big Jim wakes up and tells Brandon that he thought on the train and he rambles on and on about fatherhood and values and hiding frustration and wisdom. Brandon doesn’t understand. Big Jim has to spell it out—the truth is that they’re poor. It’s been a struggle since he turned down the promotion that they insisted he do so that they could stay in Beverly Hills. Big Jim tells him to work for the sports writer guy instead of being a bongo cabana boy. Brandon says that he tried it out and likes cabanas better. Big Jim tells Brandon to be his own man, as his own father told him. Everything will fall into place. That’s sucky advice.

Sport writer guy finds Brandon in the locker room at the beach club. Brandon tells him to talk to Big Jim if he has anything to say about him. Sport writer guy talks about ugly, embarrassing, unnecessary something or other. Brandon hops onto his soapbox to defend the honor of Sandy the mistress. She’s a wreck because of sport writer guy. Apparently because she can’t not be a mistress? Right. Or maybe because she’s old.

Brandon then goes to Mr. Thomas and asks if he’s fired. The sport guy wanted him to. Mr. Thomas, who they now call Henry, refuses. Brandon says thanks. Henry says that not everything has a price. Brandon asks about Sandy and Henry says that she quit and she’s got troubles. Then he tells Brandon to watch The Young and The Restless.

Meanwhile, Brenda’s telling the story of what happened in her living room to her drama class and shares her realization that the memory of the coat was about having fun on the escalators and not being scared. They all say way to be. She wants to go to the beach because now she can confront Dylan. She can hide behind the coat.

Back at the club, sport writer guy is having another argument with his tennis buddy. They ask Brandon for the call. Brandon says it was in and he calls em like he sees em. Because he’s a fair kind of guy. He swaggers away and finds Sandy who’s leaving town to live in San Luis Obispo. Sport writer guy had told her that he loved her and that’s why she was a mistress. Brandon helped her to see how she was jaded. She thanks him. They peck each other and she tells him to say goodbye to Dylan for her. That’s like a knife to the spleen. Heehee.

Brandon finds Dylan who’s taking an outdoor beach shower. Sigh. They order some food and talk about Sandy the mistress. Dylan tells Brandon to promise him that the next time Brandon asks him if he’s slept with a girl that Brandon has a crush on that Dylan can punch Brandon. That sounds like a plan to me.

Brenda and Andrea arrive at the beach club. Dumb Donna, Kelly, and Steve arrive at the same time too. Steve got rejected by the fourteen year old who has the hots for DJ David Gung Ho Silver. They all meet up that night to watch the grunion run. Brandon weasels his way between Dylan and Brenda and grabs Dylan’s cheeks. Then he runs off to the water with everyone except Dylan and Brenda. He wants to see the grunion, he says, but I think it’s to drown himself. Brenda tells Dylan that it’s nice to hang out with him while not being a couple with him. He calls himself a good friend and sniffs her hair. She says anything is possible and he asks, Anything? and makes weird head movements.

Down at the shore, the others are pondering if the grunion will show. Dumb Donna asks if they look like sardines and anchovies. Then they all see that the grunion have finally arrived!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 22:04:40 GMT

Poppin Cherries to Breakin Hearts In Two Weeks Flat: Beverly Hills, 90210 "Beach Blanket Brandon"

Highlights: (First off--why is the title about Brandon when the real storyline here is about Brenda?--anyway) Brandon seeks new employment; Dylan's heart aches; Brenda's uterus breaks; Kelly regains her voice; Andrea is hideous; Donna preaches abstinence; Mrs. Cleaver and Big Jim enforce a double standard for pregancy tests found while recycling

The next best thing to Spring is Summer and oh how the summer in West Bev takes the cake. With their junior year behind them and both Walsh twins poppin cherries and tearing petals from flowers, the summer is just where they’ve gotta be for some more excitement and life lessons. Who will booze in Season 2? Who will boink in Season 2? Who will surf? Who will have their 49^th birthday? Who will be the martyr and mack it with Hideous Andrea in Season 2? Let’s find out now.

The summer season starts out in the newsroom at West Bev where Hideous Andrea is dedicating a cake to her team and wielding a very large machete with which she can cut the cake and slice open Brandon if he doesn’t kiss her soon.

Kelly, Brenda, and Dumb Donna talk about the excitement of summer ahead. Kelly has no voice. Dumb Donna tells her she needs to work on that. This is riveting, really.

DJ David Gung Ho Silver walks the halls with Guy who shoots himself. Guy who shoots himself complains that he has to spend the summer in Oklahoma. [Insert your own joke that makes reference to the musical here].

Kelly with no voice explains to Dumb Donna and Brenda that guys are important. Brenda says there’s more to life than guys. Kelly says it sounds like it’s that time of the month and Brenda says it is and it isn’t because she’s five days late. Which is tragedy because if you recall last season, she was doin it with Dylan for three weeks and we ended the season with her telling him in the middle of a not-going-away party at The Peach Pit all about her might-be-pregnant uterus.

Brandon hangs around to help Andrea clean up the cake. He says he wants to clear the air with her before summer starts. Because, if you’ll remember, they were planning on doin it on the counter of The Peach Pit when the not-going-away party occurred. Andrea tells him it’s not a big deal and he says, “It’s not a big deal that we almost became a couple?” What is he talking about? They almost did the horizontal mambo on a diner stool. That doesn’t make them a couple. Plus the whole reason behind them doing it was that he was going to move, which would not make them a couple either. Andrea is okay with the not sleeping together and being just friends. He tells her she’s not a fool. She gives her a smile that would make a gal’s pants fall off by themselves and he kisses her on the cheek. She calls him Bran and pokes herself in the lip with a fork.

Brenda and the gals take a trip to the pharmacy where Kelly preaches about protection and Dumb Donna makes a not-so-dumb comment about abstinence. Kelly tells Brenda to think of a pregnancy test as a science experiment. They go to the Walsh house and the test comes out green which means that you need to take another test because this one didn’t work basically. Brenda is mad that she’s green and Kelly tells her she needs to see a GYN. Brenda says she loves Dylan but the sex wasn’t worth being green.

At The Peach Pit, Brandon complains that the tips are smaller and Nat says that the customers are fewer because it’s summer. Steve comes in wearing a Hawaiian shirt, all excited about a bonfire. Brandon wants to go but has to work so that he can buy new wheels. Steve tells him to get a more lucrative job like working at the Beverly Hills Beach Club where the fringe benefits are awesome. Meaning chicks. Brandon, who is rockin the reverse mollet once more, feels bad about thinking about leaving Nat.

Mrs. Cleaver is drying a bowl and preaching about the wonders of being young and free. Brenda asks her about seeing her first GYN and why she did so. Mrs. Cleaver wants to know why Brenda wants to know about her uterus and suspects that Brenda’s not telling her something. Big Jim asks what’s wrong and tells Brenda that Dylan’s here and curfew is still the same. Then the parents mack it.

Outside, Dylan can’t believe that Brenda’s green. She calls “it” a mistake and he says “it” was wonderful. I’m guessing “it” means “sex.” He says he’ll be a supportive baby daddy if she’s pregnant and says it’s his problem too. Because babies are problems which offers a supportive environment for an infant.

Brandon finds himself at the beach trying out to be a lifeguard. He’s been trained in lake and pool rescue but not beach rescue. The boss cares only about what they do in the water. They all need to sprint. Brandon is small but he sure can run. Brandon also needs a tan.

Dylan thumbs through a magazine in the GYN office while Kelly gives Brenda a pep talk about letting a male doctor probe through her lower parts. Kelly walks into the exam room with Brenda and Brenda freaks at the idea of stirrups without a horse. A horse in the exam room would be so unhygienic.

When Brandon finishes running, he has to swim out to a buoy. He’s panting. Very sexy.

The doctor comes in after Brenda has gone to the bathroom. She tells the doctor that she’s fine now since she came in. He tells her that it’s perfectly normal to have a late period and she should set up an appointment to get checked out when her period is finished. Dylan asks if she’s okay and if it’s a false alarm. She says yes. So he tells her she should ask the doctor to put her on the pill as long as she’s there. Sure. And while they’re at it, why not a pap smear and a rectal and a cell biopsy. Brenda gets pissy, as she should, and he says he was thinking about her and she says he was thinking about himself. Kelly tells him he’s being a total guy, which is a bad bad thing. The girls leave and Dylan broods in a corner near a plant. Lucky he’s got that anger under control; otherwise that plant would be history.

At the beach, Brandon is the last to swim in. Because he’s wee. The boss dismisses everyone before he even gets to shore. Brandon thanks Mr. Thomas for the workout and the opportunity. Mr. Thomas tells him he could be a cabana boy, aka gigolo and bongo player. Brandon is worried that he can’t give Nat two weeks’ notice. Mr. Thomas tells him that there are hundreds of people who want that job. Brandon rationalizes that Nat should understand. As if Mr. Thomas cares. Brandon takes the job and stands all pale and tiny on the beach.

Brandon comes home to find Mrs. Cleaver recycling. He brags about his new cabana boy status and says that Nat can’t stand in his way. Mrs. Cleaver admonishes him for not giving enough notice. Brandon says he’ll get Brenda to fill in.

He goes upstairs, opens Brenda’s door, and says, “Hey, beautiful sister.” And there’s the first incestuous pick-up line of the season! He tells her that he wants to do her a favor. All she needs to do is take off her shirt. No, seriously, he tells her about The Peach Pit and then she starts sniffling. He sits on the bed, uninvited as usual, and urges her to confide in him. She answers in that obtuse way she has of responding and Brandon knows exactly what she’s talking about. She then inappropriately talks to her brother about having sex with her really cool boyfriend and how she thought she was going to be a mommy. With his reverse mollet bobbing, he says he understands how she feels sort of not really. Big help he is. Then she says that sex is a big deal and he gives a quite hey hey and hugs her, mostly to cop a feel but also to make her feel better. He asks if their parents know about it and she makes him promise that they will never know.

However, while recycling, Mrs. Walsh finds the used pregnancy test because Brenda mixed paper with plastic. Dun dun DUN.

Brenda winds up in the living room, stuck between Mrs. Cleaver and Big Jim who say they’re not angry but only want to know what’s going on. They want to discuss her uterus, her vagina, and everything that goes in and out of it. She says that she was late and though she was pregnant. And this is one of my favorite Big Jim moments. He asks, Well, did you do something that would give you reason to believe that if you were a few days late that that would indicate that you were pregnant? Heeheeeeee. Brenda asks, You mean like sex? She says yes and he gets up and yells at her and Mrs. Cleaver wants to know how long and they wanted her to talk to them first. Hmm. I don’t remember them talking like this to Brandon when he was dancing around to In The Mood.

She tells them that Dylan deflowered her two weeks ago. Mrs. Cleaver asks where and Brenda says the hotel. Big Jim yells that he warned her about that boy. Mrs. Cleaver yells, Jim! and Brenda says that it’s not Dylan’s fault that his penis wound up in her vagina for a few minutes. Mrs. Cleaver says that Brenda is physically ready but not emotionally and doesn’t want her to regret this five years from now. Brenda asks if they had sex before they were married and Big Jim doesn’t understand the question. Big Jim tells her sex isn’t a game. Mrs. Cleaver says it doesn’t make you an adult. The horn honks and Brenda says it’s Dylan and Big Jim wants to talk to him but the ladies say he can’t.

Dylan comes inside—why did he honk?—and Mrs. Cleaver says hi and leaves. Then Dylan asks Brenda why she’s holding the home pregnancy test box as Big Jim comes over to say hi and thank you to the man who deflowered his daughter. Dylan says they won’t stay out late and Brenda pushes him out the door.

Big Jim laments that he sounded like his moralizing inflexible father. Mrs. Cleaver thanks God that Brenda’s not pregnant. Then they discuss making ground rules for sex. Lights off and condoms a must.

Brandon goes to The Peach Pit to break the news to Nat. Nat offers him food on the house. Brandon says he’s leaving work. Nice. Nat’s face contorts and Brandon continues to make him feel bad about himself by talking about the beach and the sun. Nat says he won’t stand in the way of someone else’s success. Then, to kick him when he’s down, Brandon tells Nat that the new job starts tomorrow. Brandon says he’ll help him find someone and Nat says that they can’t do it in one day. Nat shakes his hand, holding back tears. Brandon feels guilty. Again.

At the beach at night, Brenda and Dylan mack it in his convertible to the groovy tune of Losing My Religion. Brenda doesn’t want to go all the way. Dylan says he understands that she’s scared and upset. She says she’s lucky to have met him and she used to think he was sexy and she fell in love with him but now she realizes that he’s 80. She tells him that she trusted him enough to have sex with him and now they’ve crossed a line and she doesn’t want to think about getting pregnant at the GYN with her parents. He asks if it’s all too scary and she says it’s all happening too fast and she wants to stop seeing him. He tells her that she’s overreacting and she doesn’t know what she’s feeling. Because why would she know? He knows best. She tells him that she needs to break up with him. He says no no. She apologizes and he rubs his forehead wrinkles.

Brenda comes home and announces that she broke up with Dylan. Her parents tell her that she didn’t have to do that and she says that she’s not ready for a sexual relationship.

Kelly talks to Brenda on an oversized cell phone while driving along in her own convertible. She doesn’t understand why Brenda broke up with Dylan and then asks what she should say to Dylan if she sees him at the beach. Foreshadowing?

Brandon finds Dylan at the beach club and tries to pick up Dylan. Brandon explains the Nat situation and Dylan says that the Walshes have a way of dumping on people and tells Brandon to show respect to his friends. Dylan storms off with his surf board.

Dumb Donna, Brenda, DJ David Gung Ho Silver, and Hideous Andrea show up for summer school. They’re taking a drama class. A new teacher named Chris comes in and he’s young and from PA and goes off on a tangent about his family history and how he’s an actor. He says he’s following the tradition of those who cannot do teach and that he’s just presented a monologue. Of course, he chooses Brenda and thanks her for volunteering although she hasn’t. I’m pretty sure this guy played young Elvis in some television movie.

Scantily clad women with curly hair are playing volleyball at the beach. Men are tanning and surfing. It’s all very glamorous. Steve’s hitting on some girls as usual and then Kelly interrupts his serve to tell him that Brenda broke up with Dylan. Steve thinks he’ll be happy and Kelly mocks him for not being romantic. What they heck is with his neon swimsuit.

Brandon interrupts Mr. Thomas’ viewing of The Young and The Restless. Mr. Thomas reprimands him and gives him a uniform. Then Brandon says that he can’t wear it for a week because he needs not to take a dump on Nat. Brandon gives one of his integrity speeches and needs to do the right thing. Mr. Thomas says okay. Which is so not believable.

Meanwhile, Brenda is monologuing in her drama class and tells them all that she broke up with Dylan. Chris the drama teacher asks her how she feels. She says miserable and he says wonderful and he says that feelings are what make you human and actors. Andrea asks if they will be graded on all that because she’s a big nerd and people moan because she’s hideous.

Brandon arrives at The Peach Pit and tells Nat that he’s there to work until Nat finds someone. Nat says that he doesn’t need Brandon after all. He found someone. And everyone is happy.

Then in acting class, Andrea drags on about her own life and no one cares and they cut her short. They all leave and Dumb Donna is scared to talk about her own life. Then Brenda sees Dylan down the hall and Dumb Donna calls it a Dylan alert and the girls leave. He grumbles, I’m feelin bad, Bren, and he sounds like he’s coming off of heroin. He explains that he thought if they’d ever break up he’d feel relieved but instead he feels horrible. That’s sweet. He was in love with her dammit. He can’t go back to being a loner. Brenda says that he can still depend on her even though she won’t give up the goods anymore. She says it’s painful for her too and he says that that’s what love hurts means. They talk more about Brenda being scared and he wants to take her home. She wants to walk and says, Good bye, Dylan, as electric guitars wail out their ballad of sorrow. All the people who were just in the hallway have disappeared so that Dylan can amble on alone and we can zoom in on a tearful girl from Minnesota who now knows too much before her time. THIS is drama! THIS is what television is all about! Hooray for the drunken writers! Hooray hooray!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 18:52:22 GMT

The Importance of Being Big Jim: Beverly Hills, 90210 "Home Again"

Highlights: Big Jim plays his importance card and tells everyone they're moving back to Minnesota but can barely hack it back east; Brandon finds out that his two love interests are doing it with each other instead of with him; Andrea offers up her cherry; Steve can't live without a little Minneapolis

The greatest opening ever in television show history! Steve is in a fight with some kid who has feathered hair. They both have their shirts tucked into their dungarees and they are awesome! Steve flips him onto the ground and then Brandon breaks it up. Dylan comes into the mix and the guy pushes Dylan who brushes him off like a gnat. Steve was upset because the guy made fun of his mom. Brandon makes Steve laugh and Steve’s glad Brandon moved to town. Aww, love.

Big Jim is busy being all important at work. He talks about business and being professional. Some guy wants to invite him to lunch. Which is a bad thing because he’s too important for food.

At home, Mrs. Cleaver and Hispanic Anna have a lot of herbs. Big Jim comes home and needs to talk to Mrs. Cleaver alone because he’s important. He’s in trouble and someone asked him to lunch, not drinks or breakfast. That means that he’s getting fired. Mrs. Cleaver says, Oh honey. Because getting fired is a turn on.

The recently deflowered Brenda and Brandon talk about the hardships of economy while they’re in the bathroom. Brandon says they need to start appreciating how good they have it for the next few hours that they have something.

Big Jim has lunch with the guy the next day. The guy suggests that Big Jim is unhappy.

Brandon comes home with Steve who’s wearing an eyepatch. Mrs. Cleaver is cooking ratatioulle with veggies from the garden. Big Jim comes home and he asks Kelly and Steve to leave so he can talk to Brenda, Brandon, and Mrs. Cleaver alone. Brandon and Brenda offer to get more jobs before he even starts. He then stops them to explain that he’s been promoted to Executive VP. They’re all happy. Then he says that the job is in Minneapolis. And they get all upset because their new home is in LA, dammit! They’ve gone Hollywood already. They can’t go back. Brenda explains this by pointing out the lessons she learned by reading Snow White. Big Jim wants to make the decision together democratically as a family with blind ballots. Three to stay. Big Jim loses. He’s unhappy because now he seems less important.

Big Jim calls the man in charge to turn down the generous offer. Then he tells them that the guy doubled his salary so he overrules the blind ballot to take his family back to Minneapolis. Which we all know is not going to happen because that would be the end of the show because no one wants to watch a show that takes place in Minnesota.

Brenda and Brandon are bummed because they have new lives here with jobs and Dylan. Brenda is scared that people back home are going to think they couldn’t hack it in Beverly Hills. Mrs. Cleaver explains that it will be fantastic to move again. Brandon suggests they get a mobile home and then he and Brenda list the pros and cons of living in both places. Snow. Hockey. Beach. Lakes. Surfing. Old friends who may have moved on. New friends soon to be ex friends.

Brandon and Brenda tell the gang at lunch the next day and Andrea suggests that maybe they’ll meet in college. Then they offer a place for the twins to stay. Steve walks away dejected that Brandon won’t be around to keep him from fighting anymore.

Brandon then apologizes to Nat for having to leave work on such short notice. Andrea comes into The Peach Pit to reminisce being pals with Brandon. She proposes a goodbye dinner with him.

Brenda can’t believe that Andrea Zuckerman asked him on a date. Because Andrea is hideous. He explains it’s a goodbye dinner, not a date, because Andrea is hideous. Then Brenda sulks around the Walsh house because they won’t let her stay with her friends in Beverly Hills. Big Jim tries to bribe them by telling Brandon that he can have his car. Big Jim leaves in a limo.

The next day, Brandon catches up with Steve who is once again rockin the pleated pants. Steve gives him the cold shoulder again.

Dylan is really wiped out about Brenda going away. His words, not mine. He says there’s so much they haven’t done and she says she thought they did everything. One night of sex does not constitute worldly knowledge, especially when it’s lose your virginity sex. He wasn’t talking about sex, though. He was talking about surfing and his favorite band. Maybe that’s stuff they should have done before having sex. Kelly shows up and says that her mom says she can’t stay with the Taylors because Coked Up Jackie’s AA sponsor says that Brenda can’t stay.

Mrs. Cleaver sides with Kelly’s mom as Brenda balls a melon. She suggests that Brenda have faith in their relationship but Brenda explains too many girls want Dylan. And guys too. Brenda complains that Dumb Donna and Kelly already made plans without her and Brandon says that Steve is dissing him too.

Brandon meets up with Andrea at the Pier, her favorite place in LA. They make a wish on one of those fortuneteller machines. Brandon tells her that she’s always right which doesn’t bother him anymore. She then tells Brandon that she has a surprise for him but first she wants to put him in a saddle. Kinky Andrea! Oh, she means the merry-go-round. As they ride up and down on the horses, she offers Brandon a going-away present. She says, Ta-da! He asks, The carousel? The horse? She says, the person on my horse. He’s mortified into silence. Then whispers, what? Andrea explains that she wants their goodbye to be memorable and then she giggles. Brandon looks away, petrified.

The next day, Brenda and Brandon take a romantic walk on the beach. He told Andrea he’d think about it. He always thought about sleeping with her but he always ruled it out because they’re friends. He thinks she’s pretty. Brenda thinks they’d make a great couple. Brandon says that they wouldn’t be a couple because he’s leaving anyway. Then Brenda complains that memories won’t keep her warm in eight feet of snow in Minnesota. Brandon puts his arm around her and says that he’ll keep her warm at night. And the overt incest attempt comes out once again.

They see Dylan on the beach. Brandon gets giddy and jumps and waves. Brenda wants to hide since things got complicated because they’ve been sleeping together. Brandon goes into a jealous rage and asks, You’re sleeping with Dylan!?!?!? He’s mad that he opened up about Andrea and she’s keeping him in the dark. She says it’s been going on for only three weeks. He hopes she’s being careful.

Big Jim is back in Minnesota in his old office and is smiling non-stop because he’s important again. The secretary gives Big Jim the rundown on his schedule and it’s a whole lot of work. Way more than he expected. So many phone messages. He’s important you know.

Dylan comes over to the bickering couple on the beach and he asks if he can talk to Brenda alone. They have a heart to heart about relationships. They talk about Cheryl from Minnesota. Dylan says he loves her. Brenda loves him. He says, Parting is such sweet sorrow, huh? Then suggests they run away. Then they mack it while Brandon, with his jeans rolled up around his ankles, throws rocks into the surf. Alone. All alone.

Then Brandon finds Andrea at West Bev to say he was thinking about her present. She apologizes for being impulsive. He walks away dejected but then punches a locker and comes back, wanting her to be impulsive. I get giddy inside and I’m so ashamed for it. They both get excited because he wants to throw a dog a bone finally. They kiss awkwardly and he says it’s good they got that out of the way. Hey they already got that out of the way right before he smacked up Mondale when he was drunk. Then she says a line from Annie Hall and Brandon calls her a movie buff. Then he suggests they do it tonight. They kiss again. She says tonight and walks away wearing her soccer mom pants. Brandon looks around to make sure no one was watching him mack it with the Hideous Andrea.

Big Jim complains to Mrs. Cleaver on the phone about how he’s doing the work of three people. She says that she misses him and he wants her to be supportive. He says he misses her and that’s okay because he’s important.

Andrea shows up at The Peach Pit to see Brandon. She breaks the news that it’s someone’s birthday and the next night she has a conference but she’s free Sunday. But her dad has poker at the house on Sunday. Brandon shows her a key, which is the key to their happiness. It’s the key to The Peach Pit on Sunday when it’s closed. Andrea explains that in some movie they do it on the counter. Now that’s romance.

Steve comes in when Andrea leaves. He pushes Brandon in the shoulder and yells at him. Then he storms out.

Meanwhile, Brenda and Dylan are naked and she’s crying about how she wants to break up. He doesn’t want to. She says she’s sorry and continues to cry as he shakes his head in sorrow.

Brenda complains to Kelly over the phone about how she misses Dylan. Brandon comes in wearing some orderly shirt and complains that Steve is acting like a jerk. Brenda compares Steve to her friend Margery and says that Steve’s probably mad at Brandon for leaving.

Brandon takes Steve to the beach to talk. Steve says he feels like a fool. Brandon shows Steve the water and talks about how he wiped out the first time he tried to surf. Then he wants to share a wipe out with Steve. Then Steve is suddenly okay with it all. They shake hands and then play fight and it’s all so much fun.

At home, Brenda mopes. Mrs. Cleaver tries to get her to stop moping but she won’t. She blames Big Jim for ruining their lives over and over again. Big Jim calls and acts all important because he’s busy and he needs to take a later flight back to LA. No one cares.

Over at The Peach Pit, Andrea’s in a slinky red dress with her hair all up and Brandon’s in his uniform of t-shirt and sport jacket. Then poof! Brandon’s face down in the sand. He’s asleep. Then Brandon tells Steve they have to jam because he has a date but won’t tell Steve who it’s with. Because he’s ashamed of going out with Hideous Andrea.

Big Jim arrives home early. Nat calls the Walsh house for Brenda because there’s a special roast at The Peach Pit going on and he can’t find Brandon. Brandon shows up to meet Andrea and she’s wearing jeans and a pink blazer and he’s all upset that he imagined it differently. Then he asks her if she’s sure and she is and hen she kisses him and he kisses her but only half hugs her and then they separate awkwardly. Then Brandon opens the door and

SURPRISE! David Gung Ho Silver has his camera in their faces and everyone is there with balloons. Brandon mumbles to ask Andrea if she knew about this. Andrea said she went to Kelly for advice and Kelly turned it into a big party. So are they all gonna watch Brandon and Andrea do it and sell the videotape? Brandon tells Andrea there’s always the after party. Then Brenda comes in and

SURPRISE!!! Kelly explains that she and Dumb Donna have been planning this all week.

Everyone tapes a goodbye message. Blah blah blah. So boring. No one cares. Can someone get drunk and drive or start mackin it or even dance badly please? What’s the point of taping this if Brenda and Brandon are standing right there listening and watching? Andrea gushes about Brandon. Dylan is too cool for the camera. He goes up to the twins in person to thank them for saving him and loving him. Mrs. Cleaver and Big Jim look on and listen and Dylan says they’re the only family he’s got. Then he hugs Brandon who is almost in tears.

Big Jim thanks everyone. He says home is where the heart is. Then he decides to stay in Beverly Hills. Really, it’s because he can’t hack it in the new position at work, but no one needs to know that. Everyone cheers.

Andrea tells Brandon that they’re back to friends. Brandon asks if she would have gone through with it. She says he’ll never know. He says she’s a great kisser, which is kinda sweet.

Mrs. Cleaver asks Big Jim why he didn’t tell her sooner about his decision. He says he just decided now and then they dance.

Kelly and Dumb Donna say everything’s going to be great again. Everyone smiles. Then Brenda tells Dylan she’s late. The smile fades from his face and they hug and he cradles her head and everyone slow dances.

Now THAT’S a great ending too!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 17:52:54 GMT

Spring Flings Around Some Party Dresses, Rented Tuxes, and Hopefully a Lubed Up Trojan: Beverly Hills, 90210 "Spring Dance"

Highlights: No one remembers the birth of Steve; David Gung Ho Silver has convulsions on the dance floor; Donna gets dumber; Kelly gets more selfish; Brandon shuns Andrea; Andrea becomes homocidal; Dylan and Brenda do it after a very long wait of about two months

Springtime in Beverly Hills has already brought out the little league cheer in everyone. Now, it’s getting to Steve’s hormones in the halls of West Bev when he sees a girl I believe he calls Dollar Diller but I’m probably wrong. As she walks by, he and Brandon put on their MAD Magazine X-Ray specs because that would really happen. Steve’s going to ask her to the Spring Dance and he already made a room reservation. Brandon doesn’t understand this idea. Because he has sex only in his own bedroom where his parents can hear.

DJ David Gung Ho Silver announces the nominees for Spring Princesses using his 13 year old girl tea party voice. Kelly Taylor is one of them. In the newsroom, Andrea says she’s never known a nominee and asks Brandon if he thinks she’s going to win. He gives Andrea the cold shoulder and acts all superior as Andrea, dressed in a Carvel uniform, hems and haws, trying to get him to ask her to the dance. He hates to dance. No sense of rhythm. She asks if he would go if someone asked him. She rambles on about insecurity and exploitation. He makes an I have a stomach ache face.

Steve finds Dollar Diller and she’s all whimsy. He asks her to go to the dance and she won’t go because she doesn’t want to go in his car.

Brenda find Andrea and she yells at her for not asking Brandon to the dance. She explains to Brenda that Brandon might come over and watch a movie. She runs to catch her bus. Brenda is rocking the thickest bangs ever.

Kelly finds Brandon at The Peach Pit and her hair, I’ve gotta say, looks good. She tells Brandon she has no date for the dance. His short bangs bounce up and down. She calls him cute. His forehead lines are starting to come out already. He wants to be Dylan now I guess. Then Kelly grabs his hand in a promise to show him a good time. Steve comes in just in time to try to ask her to go to the dance. She says she’s already going with Brandon. Brandon didn’t think Steve would mind since he’s going with Dollar. Steve says he’s not going with Dollar so they suggest he go with Dumb Donna. Brandon suggests they all go together as friends. He agrees to ask her as long as she doesn’t expect anything and Brandon offers them free fries.

Steve finds Dumb Donna at West Bev to ask her to go to the dance and she stumbles through an answer until she says, “yes I guess,” because she’s too dumb to answer him straight.

Then Kelly tells Brandon that she wants to go to Spago and she’ll pay and all he needs to pay for is the tux, the corsage, and the limo. She can’t show up in a Melvin, meaning Mondale, but she says that Dylan will pay for the limo. Andrea finds them in the hallway to make plans with Brandon and she finds out that he’s going to the dance with Kelly. She’s all let down and on the verge of tears and runs away to get to class in her puffy purple blouse. Brandon stares at the air, pondering his wrongfulness.

Andrea and Brandon find tension in the newsroom. They don’t understand why the other said that they didn’t want to go to the dance. She complains that he couldn’t say no to Gorgeous Kelly and he asks why she’s so mad. She tells him to write about kickboxing in West Bev non-sequitur conversation fashion.

At the tux place, Dylan’s pompadour is reaching new heights and bouncing quotient. Steve mentions a hotel room and Brenda and Brandon gets jealous. Dylan says he doesn’t talk about that stuff and Brandon says, Let’s keep it that way, meaning, if anyone is going to sleep with his twin sister from Minnesota, it’s going to be her twin brother and not some impregnator who attacks plants. Steve tells Brandon he’s supposed to rent a room for Kelly and that Kelly has a thing for him.

Brenda and Kelly are looking for dresses on rodeo. They can’t find anything they like until….they find the same exact dress that they both love. Then Kelly decides it’s a tacky, cheap knockoff. They tell each other to wear it. Then Donna comes out in a red ball gown a la Disney cartoon princess.

The gang arrives at the Walsh house. Kelly’s wearing the black and white dress she said she wasn’t going to wear. Donna can’t get through the doorway in her hoopskirt. Steve breaks out a flask and Brandon admonishes him. Steve is totally the stereotype. So old. So tired. So moving on.

Brandon gives Kelly a corsage and they kiss on the lips which is strange. Then she pins a turnip corsage on him. Mrs. Cleaver comes out to exclaim how great they look and stops short when she sees Kelly. Because then Brenda appears wearing the same thing! Tragedy! Tragedy! The horror! The horror! They yell at each other in the kitchen. Brenda doesn’t care that Kelly is a Spring Princess! Kelly is offended that Brenda would even think of trying to look like her. Big Jim tells them they both look gorgeous and takes pictures, calling them the Bobsey Twins. That’ll wind up on some kiddie porn website somewhere. Then he gets everyone together. Dylan molests Brenda.

Meanwhile, Hideous Andrea is in a hoodie, wearing her hair in a scrunchie, eatin a gallon of ice cream, while watching Prom Nightmare which is a cheap knockoff of Carrie.

As the group pulls up to the dance, Steve and Kelly are fighting. Steve is fake drunk already. Kelly suggests that she and Brenda stay on opposite sides of the room while Brenda wants to be on opposite sides of the state. Brenda’s wearing black gloves all the way up her arms so I seriously don’t see how they even remotely look alike. Hey. Sarcasm. Dumb Donna can’t get out of the limo without any help because of her big poofy dress. Steve calls the dress a dance don’t.

Dylan catches up with Brenda who’s whining that Kelly thinks it’s her night. Dylan says it’s their night and pulls out a room key and I’m gonna barf because I’m lactose intolerant when it comes to that sort of cheese. She asks if anyone will notice that they’re gone, meaning she doesn’t want to do it with him, but then he tells her she won’t have to worry about her clothes and she’s all excited about that.

A band is playing inside and Kelly wants to dance. Brandon reminds her that he doesn’t dance and suggests she dance with Steve. That doesn’t happen. Dumb Donna asks Steve to dance and he doesn’t want to be seen with her. I have no idea who the band is but they have bad frizzy hair.

David Gung Ho Silver gushes to Guy who shoots himself about how good Kelly looks. They make a bet about whether or not she’ll dance with David GHS before the night is through.

After about two seconds of dancing, Dylan wants to wait only fifteen more minutes before they go do it. She’s nervous and doesn’t want to disappoint him because they’ve been building it up for so long. So long meaning about two months but who’s counting. He says that he’s not going to judge her; he’s going to enjoy her. Because she’s like a bowl of ice cream or the swings at a carnival. He assures her that she’s not a notch on his belt because he would have raped her months ago. They she asks what it’s all about and he says, Don’t you know? I love you. I don’t know whether to gag or gush.

Man with the frizzy hair is still crooning as Kelly and Brandon slow dance. He says she looks more than cute and she confesses that she’s thought he was cute since the first day they met and wants to know why they’re holding back. Brandon says he’s thought about it but she’s his best friend’s ex girlfriend and Brenda’s best friend. She points out the whole Dylan-Brenda thing. He doesn’t have a third reason so he macks it with her. Steve adjusts his tie and touches his nipple. Brandon stops the kissing because he knows her too well. He’d be in love with her if they were strangers. Kinda kinky for someone from Minnesota. He then tells Kelly she’s like his sister. That’s fantastic!

Steve butts in and he tells Brandon that Kelly cares only about herself. She tells him to sober up. He tells Brandon he doesn’t blame him for going for it and Brandon asks what’s the matter with him but does not preface it with a hey hey hey as he normally does. Brandon calls him a jerk. Steve insults Dumb Donna for no reason and stalks away.

Brandon runs after Steve to explain how he doesn’t want Kelly. Steve says he’s not drunk and that today is Steve’s birthday. My stomach drops when he says that. I feel so badly. Brandon wants to celebrate after the dance. Steve doesn’t want to because six months ago his mother got drunk and told him that he’s adopted. Which is worse than being from Minnesota. Then he says that his mom loves him even though she lies and Brandon tells him he’s a great guy and he has friends who care. The only person he ever told before was Kelly and she doesn’t remember; she blows him off. What’s the point of having friends then?

David Gung Ho Silver announces which Spring Princess will be the Spring Queen. It’s Kelly Taylor. Dumb Donna is overjoyed in the audience. David Gung Ho Silver tells Queen Kelly to choose her king which makes no sense because she opens an envelope with someone’s name on it. So she’s not really choosing as much as she is reading some guy’s name. Then David Gung Ho Silver announces that they’re going to choose the couple with the slickest moves—yes, he says slickest moves. They will win pizza and soda and the honor of the last dance with Spring Queen and King.

Meanwhile, Dylan is showing Brenda his love den. She says it’s beautiful. It’s a beige hotel room with a big brown bed. I’ve seen prettier rooms on the commercials for Mount Airy Lodge. She says she’s lucky because not many girls get to have sex for the first time with someone they love. Lots of them wind up in the bushes without a blanket like Kelly Taylor did. Dylan picks her up firefighter style and brings her two feet towards the bed and puts her down again. Then they kiss a lot and keep kissing and remain standing.

Over in the poor part of town, Andrea is now eating popcorn and watching a movie with a chainsaw and screaming. Shepictures herself with a chainsaw and pretty dancing shoes and she wields it at the gang and she goes after Kelly Taylor. Then she wakes up and asks her mom for her evening gown. Because she’s gonna make the dream a reality.

Brandon congratulates Kelly and Kelly can’t find Brenda and complains that no one supports her. Brandon tells Kelly that Steve needs her. She asks why he can’t talk to Dumb Donna. Dumb Donna is having a problem sitting in a chair because of her hoop skirt. Physical comedy. Love it. Brandon reminds Kelly that it’s Steve’s birthday and she feels like crap because she forgot. She leaves her throne to go console him.

David Gung Ho Silver is doing some sort of running man on the dance floor. Dumb Donna still tries to sit. Kelly finds Steve in the backroom and Steve is all attitude. She apologizes about forgetting and he tells her he doesn’t want her sympathy and doesn’t understand why she can’t be a good friend. He calls her selfish. Which she is. She calls him thoughtless and spoiled. Steve calls them both defective. He points out that her mom is either in detox or unconscious and she doesn’t have a daddy. Well, that’s true. Mean, but true. And kinda funny. Wow, Kelly has pretty thick eyebrows here. Steve says he’s angry because Kelly didn’t say one word to show that she cares about him. What would that word be? He never says. They apologize to each other and then she calls him a jerk and runs away.

David GHS is still dancing by himself, his bolo tie swinging around like no one’s business.

Andrea shows up to the dance in a big white dress. The sleeves look like wings. It’s a bad, bad wedding dress, really. The girl’s got cleavage though. She spies Brandon and approaches him. Let me just say—girl’s got balls for going to the dance by herself. Plus she showed up in a taxi. Sweet. Brandon is surprised to see her and she says she feels foolish but doesn’t want to be an axe murderer who regrets missing out on high school. He tells her she’s gorgeous and she says he doesn’t matter.

The music stops and the guy with the frizzy blonde afro says one more song and they’ll have a winning couple. I have yet to see David GHS dancing with anyone except himself though.

Meanwhile up in the love den, Brenda’s helping Dylan put on his tie. He says she’s glowing. She says his smile will give everything away. This is so not real. Her hair is still perfect. If they got it on, her hair would be all over the place. So would his pompadour which is bouncing perfectly. Plus, she should be awkward and sweaty or at least giggly and none of those things are happening. She makes the bed because she doesn’t want the maid to think she had sex.

Omigod how much more dancing are they gonna show? I can’t take it anymore. It all sucks and it’s dumb and there are large flailing arm movements happening. Suddenly David GHS has a dancing partner. Brenda runs up to Kelly to give her a hug and say congrats. Kelly tells her to go away because they’re wearing the same dress. Brenda doesn’t care so Kelly apologizes for being selfish. Brenda tells Kelly she did it with Dylan. Kelly is so proud of Brenda’s new non-virgin status. They hug.

The dancing stops and couple number two gets the most applause. David GHS and his dancing partner have won. It’s the last dance and frizzy blonde afro man croons a love ballad. The Spring Queen and King dance. Brenda and Dylan dance and grope and grin all silly at each other. Brandon asks Hideous Andrea to dance. David Gung Ho Silver gets to dance with Kelly because she’s the Queen and he’s the winner and she smells good. Andrea asks Brandon if she’s a geek for coming to the dance by herself and he suggests that they couldn’t slow dance in the newsroom so she had to come.

Steve leaves Dumb Donna alone again to cut in to dance with Kelly. He apologizes and so does she and they agree to be friends because he loves her and he knows she loves him too. She admonishes Steve for not asking Dumb Donna to dance all night and so she drags Donna over and he apologizes for being a dumb date and she apologizes for her dress and he tells her she looks gorgeous. Brandon and Andrea come over and Kelly says Andrea is gorgeous and gives her the tiara to wear. Andrea is beside herself and doesn’t feel worthy but wears it. Brenda and Dylan show up and everyone acknowledges inappropriately that the couple had sex. Then Brandon says it was one of the strangest nights of all time. They all say definitely about fifty times, hearkening back to that earlier episode when they did that. Dylan says spring is in the air and Andrea gives Brenda the tiara because she’s Queen of Waiting Two Months To Lose Your Virginity.